I hate writing.

I know that may seem hard to believe because you’re reading this on a blog that I write for zero dollars, but trust me, I haaaaaaaate writing.

I hate writing so much that I will do literally anything to avoid it. On Friday, I had the whole day to myself. My only goal was to finish this blog a couple days early. Instead, I replaced the laundry room faucet – a job that I’d been putting off for two years. This morning, I vacuumed our room. That didn’t take very long, so I also cleaned the kitchen. (As you may have guessed, Deserae is a big fan of my writing process.)

Sometimes, I’m a little less productive. Here’s my Google search history during a recent “writing” session:

• quick change magic act
• quick change magic act slow motion
• quick change magic act explained
• espn nfl power rankings
• how to view someone’s linkedin profile anonymously
• captain america 2 chase scene
• velociraptor

I really wish I didn’t hate writing so much. People describe writing in a state of “flow” where they get lost in their work and the words start pouring onto the page and they eventually look up at the clock and oh my have four hours gone by already? That seems nice. I can kind of relate, because that’s what happens when I start clicking on Wikipedia links.

In the past, I have attempted to reach this alleged “flow” state by disconnecting my Internet. This works until I remember that I also know how to reconnect my Internet.

I recently spent a long time (Not sure how long, I was in a state of flow) researching a $100 homemade device that promises to help you concentrate by zapping your brain with a 9-volt battery (I feel like it’s more legit than that sentence made it sound). I ultimately decided against it – not because I wouldn’t be willing to try it, but $100 is a bit much, and it seemed like kind of a hard purchase to explain to Deserae.

At this point, you may have already figured out the solution to my problem: just don’t write.

Way ahead of you. I followed that prescription for many years, and it worked great. But there was always one thing missing that gets perfectly summed up by Dorothy Parker in a quote that I think about a lot.

Dorothy Parker, according to Wikipedia, was an “American poet, short story writer, critic and satirist, best known for her wit, wisecracks, and eye for 20th-century urban foibles.” (Because I am trying to figure out ways to avoid writing the rest of this post, I just spent 20 minutes reading some of her most famous wisecracks about foibles. They were good.)

Anyways, Dorothy Parker once said, “I hate writing. I love having written.”

I hate writing. I love having written.

I think that’s the truest quote about writing I’ve ever heard. I hate opening a new Word file. I hate looking at my list of blog ideas and realize I’m running out. I hate rewriting a sentence 10 times because it’s not funny/clear/short/smart/good enough, all the while knowing that most people are going to skim past it anyways.

But there are also a few things I love about having written:

• Sitting next to Deserae when she starts laughing at something I wrote
• Grinning and waiting for her to get to the part that I wrote just because I know she’ll make me delete it
• Hearing someone say that my blog helps them get through Wednesdays
• Thinking about future little Dustins laughing at something their dad wrote

Every week over the last eight months, I’ve discovered that no matter how bad the “writing” part is, the “having written” part is at least a little better.

I’m sharing all this with you for two reasons. First, I’m hoping someone reading this will sell me a brain zapper for less than $100. Second, I think everyone has their own thing that they hate doing. Yours might be writing too. But maybe it’s painting. Maybe it’s getting up early or game night with the kids or P90X.

Whatever it is, I hope my story encourages you to pick it up again. If you do, let me know – it will make having written this post worth it.

Because, let me tell you, writing this was THE WORST.

LIFE LESSON #47

You can determine how worthwhile a project is by how much you hate doing it.