The Least Efficient Way to Make Money

Florida FridayIf you’re a criminal, stealing an ATM machine has to seem like the fastest way to make big bucks. The cash is right there for the taking behind a flimsy plastic door. How hard can it be?

The answer: Way harder than it seems. If you need proof, just Google “ATM robbery gone wrong.” You’ll find ATM machines that remain firmly intact after being set on fire, run over and blown up.

Thanks to an enterprising Florida man, we can now add another method to that list: repeatedly ramming the machine with a stolen forklift. Continue reading

Crabby Florida Man Gets His Comeuppance

Florida Friday“Comeuppance” is not only the most enjoyable word in the English language to say, it’s also the most enjoyable thing to watch happen.

This week, a crabby Florida man brought joy to millions by getting his comeuppance.

According to the Tampa Bay Times, Doug Wilkey does not care for his neighbor’s business. Wilkey has complained multiple times to City Hall that the business is hurting his property value, disturbing the peace and possibly poisoning its customers.

Before you decide whose side you’re on in this dispute, it’s important to know that Wilkey is 61, his neighbor is 12, and the business is a lemonade stand. Continue reading

This Is Summer in Florida

Florida FridayAfter an unannounced summer hiatus, Florida Friday is back!

You may have wondered what kind of Florida high jinks you’ve been missing all summer. Well, there was plenty of theft, alcohol and nudity (stories like “Naked Men Caught on Camera Stealing Bacon” cover all the bases nicely). Marijuana played a large role (or roll).

But for the best picture of Florida life in June, July and August, we turn to the Bradenton Herald, which brought us this headline from the Bayshore Windmill Village trailer park: Bradenton Woman Charged with Battery after Chucking Bowl of Ramen Noodles, Fork at Victim. Continue reading

Florida Woman With Unfortunate Name Fulfills Her Destiny

Florida FridayOne of the greatest things about living in America is freedom to choose a destiny. If a kid wants to be an astronaut, artist or even President, he can if he works hard enough.

Well, most kids anyway. Some have their destiny chosen for them by their parents. Such is the case with today’s Florida Friday star.

Meet 36-year-old Crystal Metheney. Yes, her name is Crystal Metheney. Once you’re named after one of the most dangerous drugs ever created, your decisions throughout life become pretty simple. Of course you move to Florida. Of course you get arrested on a drug charge (Marijuana, actually, for Metheney. Crystal meth would have been too on the nose.) Continue reading

A Herd of Free Armadillos (To a Good Home)

Florida FridayPeople sell ANYTHING on Craigslist. Treadmill with broken motor and no belt? $100. Microsoft Zune with a cracked screen? $50. So if someone’s just giving something away on Craigslist through the “Free Stuff” board, it’s got to be pretty bad.

A quick roundup of actual Craigslist Cleveland Free Stuff for today:

  • Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within DVD (“In decent used shape”)
  • Free fishing bait? Freezer burnt (?) lg bag frozen shrimp (“I have a large unopened 2 lb bag of frozen unpeeled shrimp we never got around to eating. Ice in the bag so I suspect it’s freezer burnt. Maybe not since it’s still in the shell?”)
  • Free bag men’s depends underwear (“Free free free!” Does not say if they have been used or not.)

So when you find something that’s actually good on the Craigslist Free Stuff board, you need to pounce. Jacksonville, it’s time to pounce. Continue reading

Congressman Picks Ear on National Television AND EATS IT

Florida Friday

It can be one of the biggest battles parents fight. Most stop and ask themselves at some point, “Is it even worth the effort?”

Breaking your child of the habit of picking his nose and eating the boogers is worth the effort. Because even though his picking-and-eating habit may not stop him from doing something great with his life – even becoming a member of Congress – it will rear its ugly head at the most inopportune time.

Probably when he’s on national TV. Continue reading

Florida Woman Calls 911 to Report the Sun

Florida Friday

Being a 911 operator has to be awesome. Yes, there’s daily tragedy, but I’m sure there’s also plenty of THIS.

A Florida woman recently looked into the sky and saw the sun. (Being from Cleveland, I can only assume that’s a nice feeling.) She noticed a phenomenon known as a “22-degree halo” where particles ice particles high in the air cause a halo around the sun. It’s a pretty cool effect, but not cool enough to like pull the kids out of school to see it or anything.

Anyways, instead of joining the rest of Florida by saying “That’s weird” and returning to Candy Crush, she chose to call 911. This was her chance to not only save Tampa, Florida, but also possibly “get the news people out here.” Continue reading

Why Florida Is the Best

Florida FridaySnakebiteToday, we’re excited to unveil a new weekly-to-semi-weekly series called, “Florida Friday,” wherein we check in on the craziest people in the United States.

As an Ohioan, I love Florida. I spent four years of my life there during college. The state has some of the best beaches, warmest winters and friendliest lizards in the country.

It also has the world’s highest concentration of crazy people.

You may or may not have noticed that 90% of news stories involving people doing things like sprinkling their deceased loved one’s ashes all over Lenscrafters or marrying a Ferris wheel happen in Florida. This is not a coincidence. I can assure you from personal experience that nearly everyone who lives in Florida is completely insane.

As a result, the state is America’s biggest exporter of life lessons. This week, we’re learning from a man who got bit by a venomous snake while trying to get a closer look at an alligator. Continue reading