Thanks to Toni and Tim Hanrahan for our first guest post! If you’ve got a hilarious parenting story to tell, email dustin@thelifelessonbook.com.

My cousin Toni, her husband Tim and their kids Wesley (age 1), Drew (3) and Titus (4) recently travelled to Pensacola, Florida to watch Toni’s brother graduate from college. A full day of flights with three kids under five years old isn’t usually a fun experience, but the worst part of the day for Tim and Toni definitely came after they arrived at their destination.

Here are Toni and Tim to set the scene.

Toni: We had been up since 4:30 a.m. and done two flights with three kids.

Tim: By the time we got to Pensacola, we were pretty much done.

Toni: So we land and we’re getting our luggage, and I notice that the case for Tim’s iPod Touch is empty. I go, “Tim, you know where this is, right?” And he just looks at me for a second and then turns to Drew and asks, “Drew, what did you do with my iPod?”

Tim: The three-year-old doesn’t remember.

Toni: Later, we would go to American Airlines’ graveyard of old iPods, but we never found it.

Tim: So we pile into the rental minivan and the window doesn’t work, but it doesn’t matter because we’re on vacation.

Toni: We get to our condo by the beach, unpack and take the kids to the pool. We’re all finally relaxing and having a good time. Then, all of the sudden, ravenous hunger hits me and Tim at the same time. Airport food is really expensive, so our breakfast was these tiny little mini breakfast sandwiches, then peanut butter and jelly for lunch.

Tim: I only had half a sandwich.

Toni: And they didn’t even have pretzels on the plane. “We don’t do that any more.”

Tim: I hope that $24 American Airlines saved at the end of the year was worth it.

Toni: You know how it is when you wait too long to eat. Also, I’m hypoglycemic.

Editor’s note: We did not verify whether this hypoglycemia is the medically diagnosed kind or the “I get super crabby when I’m hungry” kind.

Toni: I really want a good pizza, but all the pizza on the beach is like $50. I do not want $50 pizza. I finally tell Tim, “Let’s just get Papa John’s.” There’s a Papa John’s in Gulf Breeze (the next town over), so we all go back to the minivan and the kids are kind of tired and confused. I’m thinking we’ll be in the car for five minutes because Gulf Breeze is this tiny town.

Tim: It is not. It is a large gulf and a large breeze.

Toni: So we keep driving and driving and driving.

Tim: For like 10 miles.

Toni: By this time, the kids have all fallen asleep, and we are both getting hungrier and angrier. We finally get there, and it’s a dinky little Papa John’s with no tables and four parking spots. And we look at each other like, “What do we do?” Then Wesley starts crying, which wakes up the other two kids.

Tim: Every time our kids wake up, they go into a post-nap rage for a good 15-20 minutes.

Toni: We just decide to go for it and eat in the car. So I pick up the food, and we start trying to feed everyone scalding hot pizza with no plates or napkins or drinks or anything. It’s not going well.

Tim: We also get wings for some reason, which, looking back, was not a great decision.

Toni: I’m eating pizza with one hand and feeding Wesley baby food with the other. At one point, the jar of baby food falls onto the ground and it kind of clanks, but it doesn’t look cracked, so whatever.

Tim: In between bites, I’m blowing on Titus and Drew’s pizza before they burn their mouths again.

Toni: So I finish feeding Wesley and Tim’s trying to feed Titus and Drew their scalding hot pizza, when Drew goes, “I gotta go potty.”

Editor’s note: At this point, Toni does a hilarious impression of Drew’s voice.

Toni: Well there’s no bathroom in the Papa John’s. Also we don’t have any cups. So Tim just goes, “Oh, here Toni, we’ll use this.” And he’s holding the empty baby food jar.

Tim: Drew’s like, “Pee in the baby food?” And he has a little smirk on his face. Yes Drew, just pee in the baby food.

Yes Drew, just pee in the baby food.

Toni: I guess he could have peed outside, but it was right by the road and there wasn’t really any cover.

Tim: You know how you hear about people getting ticketed for peeing in public? I figured it was just a safe bet to pee in the baby food jar.

Toni: When you’re hungry, it’s hard to think. Also, the kids really like to pee in cups and various places. Drew was pretty excited about it.

Tim: I’m holding the jar in one hand and a piece of pizza in the other and Drew still has this smirk and I’m like, “OK, this will be a fun experience.” So he starts filling up the jar, and all of the sudden, I feel this warm trickle running down my hand.

Toni: I look and pee is dripping EVERYWHERE. All over the rented minivan, all over Tim’s hand…

Tim: …In my lap, down into the gear shift…

Toni: I’m like “What is going on?!”

Tim: We finally realize that the baby food jar cracked when it fell on the ground.

Toni: And Drew is still peeing.

Tim: Once you start, you can’t stop.

Toni: He has this zoned-out, content look on his face.

Tim: He finally finishes, and there is pee on my pants, on the floor, etc. Also, I still have a piece of scalding hot pizza in one hand. So I take the jar over to the window to dump it out. There’s now a line of pee through the van, on the dashboard and inside the up-down button for the window.

Toni: By the time Tim tosses the jar out of the car, it’s basically empty.

Tim: That pretty much does it for the night. I throw the van into reverse and get out of there as fast as possible. The ride home kind of smells like pee mixed with baby food. A nice chicken orzo zucchini.

Toni: And here’s the thing, even without the pee, it was the worst Papa John’s pizza I’ve ever had.

LIFE LESSON #19

Toni: Never, under any circumstances, eat anything that has touched the floor of a rented minivan.

Tim: Don’t have _your kids _{pee into a broken jar.}