My wife Deserae, and I recently took a once-in-a-lifetime-now-we-can-have-kids trip to Australia. Going to Australia has been a dream of mine ever since I was little, and it exceeded my expectations in every way. Well, maybe except one – the trip back home.

Between America and Australia is a mysterious thing called The International Dateline. I’m still not sure what The International Dateline is all about, but I do know that it involves a fair amount of time travel and can make for some very strange days. In our case, The International Dateline gave us The World’s Longest Day.

From midnight in Brisbane to midnight when we finally fell asleep in a Dallas hotel, 40 hours had passed. In those 40 hours, we encountered the grumpiest Australian, a homeless Spider-Man, a team of racist breakdancers and the best meal of our lives.

You may enjoy a running diary of the day’s events.

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA

0:05 – I am lying wide awake in bed, sweating profusely and ignoring sirens. To close out two weeks in Australia, I had booked a niceish-looking room close to the airport through Airbnb.com. In my haste, I hadn’t checked to see if the room met Deserae’s single requirement: air conditioning. It didn’t have A/C (or much else), so to survive the muggy night, we had to leave the ground-level sliding door wide open, allowing for the very real possibility of one of Australia’s varied and poisonous wildlife joining us in bed or in our suitcase. I had hoped to get in a solid eight hours of sleep, so the world’s longest day is not off to a good start.

4:39 – Deserae and I are both awake for good. This should be a fun day!

9:12 – Just (barely) survived my final Australian freeway driving on the wrong side of the road! There were some close calls on the roundabouts, and it took a while to get used to the windshield wipers being swapped with the turn signal, but I’m pretty much an expert on driving on the left side of the road now if you need me.

9:15 – Have you ever agreed with a racist person because he holds the power to make your day very bad? The old Australian guy in charge of returning car rentals is making some very unfair generalizations about Asians to us and pointing to the nice family who had just returned their car. We happily nod and smile even though:

1. We don’t agree
2. The family is Hispanic

9:55 – Australia is full of the nicest people on the planet. When you do something stupid in front of them (and we had a lot of experience with that), they always respond with a sing-songy “No worries!” It is the best. Anyways, airport customs is still airport customs, so we ran into our first grumpy Australian while getting our passport checked. We tried to chit chat, but “Basil” was having none of it. He also tried to send us through without stamping our passport. Well we didn’t come halfway around the world to not have our passports stamped, so we begged until he obliged with a mumbley, grumbley “no worries.” We’ll take it! Thanks, Basil!

11:40 – We’re waving goodbye to Australia and wider awake than ANYTHING.

INTERNATIONAL WATERS

13:30 – Before leaving home, we had the foresight to procure an Ambien prescription for this very moment. We both take a pill and fall into a deep, restful sleep…

14:40 – …For an hour and ten minutes. Ambien apparently doesn’t work so well when you’re wider awake than ANYTHING. I didn’t take precise notes during the next few hours, but they went something like this:

14:50 – Asleep.

15:10 – Awake.

15:20 – Asleep.

15:25 – Awake.

15:26 – One episode of Storage Wars: Texas

15:55 – Asleep.

16:10 – Awake.

Etc.

17:10 – Deserae is understandably panicky about relying on two hours of sleep to get her through the next 23 hours. We contort ourselves into a position only two people who have spent half a day in economy class could dream up and somehow fall asleep for three hours!

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

23:33 – We left Australia at 11:30 a.m. on Saturday and flew for 12 hours. It is supposed to be midnight. Instead, it is 6:30 a.m. on Saturday in Los Angeles, which is five hours before we left. Sunlight is streaming through the windows and our bodies are VERY upset with us right now.

24:05 – We swap our U.S. phone SIM cards back in and discovered that Deserae’s isn’t working. Not the best, but my phone’s working, so not the worst either.

25:15 – After getting through customs, we rent a car to tool around Los Angeles during our 10-hour layover. Because dealing with L.A. traffic for the first time ever after no sleep and a 12-hour flight seemed like a good idea before the trip.

25:16 – When turning out of Dollar Rent-A-Car, I realize that I no longer have any idea which side of the street to drive on. My brain is working at full capacity on this problem, but it’s still trying to figure out how it can be light outside, so things are moving a little slower than normal. I finally figure it out and turn on my blinker. The windshield wipers start up.

26:02 – We pull up to the Hollywood Walk of Fame – I guess? It mostly looks like a junky street with lots of souvenir shops. “Is this it?” Deserae asks. A homeless man in a rumpled Spider-Man suit walks out of the coffee shop next to us and pulls a mask over his long, greasy gray hair. “Yeah, I think we’re here.”

26:18 – Not sure if the Hollywood Walk of Fame is more or less depressing than normal at 9 a.m. on a Saturday, but it’s pretty empty except for a lot of Asian tourists pretending it wasn’t a huge mistake to spend a large chunk of their expensive American vacation in Hollywood. They are taking pictures with all the characters on the street, including Cookie Monster, Barack Obama and someone who describes himself as “Green Lantern Zombie” holding a (probably plastic, maybe real?) butcher’s knife and (definitely plastic) Oscar statue. After seeing Spider-Man without his mask, I give these characters a wide berth.

26:27 – “My legs are moving, but I don’t know how I’m walking” – Deserae Brady with 14 hours left in the day.

26:44

27:08 – We drive down Rodeo Drive. Expensive houses. Yay.

27:10 – I’ve accidentally hit the windshield wiper for the 100^th time.

27:11 – We are both ravenously hungry, but it is 10 a.m., so nothing is really open yet. I am waiting for In-n-Out Burger and Deserae is holding out for Chipotle, because she hasn’t had Chipoltle in two and half weeks and is going through withdrawal. We are both pretty fragile right now.

27:28 – We take Deserae’s phone to the Beverly Hills Apple store. Since it’s still pretty early, employees in blue shirts currently outnumber customers five to one. One employee is sitting on a stool in the middle of the store with an iPad like a smug idiot, so Deserae and I approach him.

“Can you guys look at her phone? Verizon said you should be able to reset the SIM card somehow.”

“Do you have an appointment with the Genius Bar?”

“No.”

“Ooooooooh, well it looks like everyone’s busy right now. We can probably schedule you for an appointment in a couple hours.”

We look around. I cannot begin to count how many employees are not busy.

“None of these people know about iPhones?”

“Well…”

“Do you know about iPhones?”

He reluctantly takes a look at Deserae’s phone (without an appointment!) and reveals that he does not know about iPhones. He gives it back, and we wave goodbye to 10 employees on our way out.

27:33 – I turn on my windshield wipers to signal that I am turning the wrong way out of the parking garage.

I turn on my windshield wipers to signal that I am turning the wrong way out of the parking garage.

27:42 – We discover that my phone, the only device we can rely on for directions, is at 28% battery and dropping fast. Our car charger is packed away in the checked bags at the airport, so this discovery is pushing our frayed nerves to the brink.

28:00 – In-n-Out Burger is open!!! I stand in line next to sweet, old lady…

28:02 – …Who is crazy. She rambles nonsense to me for six minutes. I have never wanted to scream in public so much in my life.

28:17 – I finish my burger. It is fine. Maybe if half of In-n-Out’s menu weren’t “secret” I could have ordered it “the right way.”

28:23 – 19% battery. I turn off the phone GPS because “I got this.” I promptly make a wrong turn. Deserae, who has not eaten for eight hours, is not pleased.

28:45 – Food did not cure my crabbiness like I thought it would. I wait for Deserae to say anything so I can snap at her. Unfortunately, she says nothing.

28:57 – 14%. Where does one get a paper map in Los Angeles? Do they still use paper maps here? Could I even read one in my current state?

29:12 – We arrive at Venice Beach. People are skateboarding and surfing and rollerblading and biking and dancing and I feel like I want to murder ALL OF THEM.

29:44 – The Venice Beach skatepark cheers me up a little, since it’s where I spent a good portion of my high school years in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 for Nintendo 64.

30:20 – We join a large crowd gathered to watch a team of break dancers. They’re very entertaining, but as part of their shtick, they pick a teenage Asian tourist from the crowd, make him take off his shirt and perform a long karate scene with him. It feels pretty racist, but the guys are black, so maybe it’s OK? I’m a little unclear on the rules for these types of things.

30:55 – We start heading back to the airport. 9%.

31:04 – Traffic. 7%

31:15 – 4%

31:21 – We made it! Dollar Rent-a-Car! 2%!! This is how the pioneers must have felt after they forged that big river at the end of the Oregon Trail.

This is how the pioneers must have felt after they forged that big river at the end of the Oregon Trail.

32:10 – It has been a very long time since I’ve brushed my teeth.

33:40 – We depart on the only American Airlines flight we’ve ever taken that has left on time.

34:40 – Even though I have been awake for over a day, I cannot sleep on the plane.

35:37 – Deserae turns to me. “Why would you do this to me?”

“My breath?”

“THESE FLIGHTS!”

DALLAS, TEXAS

37:10 – We both realize at the same time that we have gone nearly 10 hours without eating again. We instantly become ravenously hungry.

37:35 – When we land, I turn on my phone and learn that there are no restaurants within walking distance of our hotel. Why didn’t we eat earlier? WE ARE SUCH BAD ADULTS!

37:40 – Like a stream in the desert, an airport TGI Fridays appears across from our gate. We sprint.

37:41 – The hostess informs us that they are closing and the kitchen isn’t making any more food…

37:41:01 – Pleasepleasepleaseplease, oh please we’ll order fast, we’re starving, we’ll do anything you ask, pleasepleasepleaseplease

37:41:30 – We get a seat.

38:10 – I am not exaggerating when I say that was one of the top five meals of my life. Maybe it’s the relief that the day is finally over, maybe it’s the miniature astronaut with sunglasses watching over us from the wall, maybe it’s just that TGI Fridays knows how to make a mean Sizzling Chicken and Cheese, but I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this happy at the end of a meal.

38:40 – Our happiness diminishes slightly when we wait for a half hour for our hotel shuttle, only to learn that it’s not coming. The hotel desk finally lets me know that I should just call a cab. They’ll reimburse us.

39:10 – We’re picked up by one of the Somalian pirates from Captain Phillips in an old cab that has probably been used to transport a corpse at some point. We tell him where we’re going, but he doesn’t seem to hear us and turns off the meter. Uh oh.

39:16 – He drops us off at our destination two miles away. “$29,” he says.

“$29 for five minutes? You didn’t even have the meter running!” Even though I’m not paying for this cab ride, I feel like I need to stand up for justice.

“$29,” he repeats a little menacingly.

“OK, OK.” Justice is not worth getting knifed in front of a Comfort Suites.

Justice is not worth getting knifed in front of a Comfort Suites.

39:18 – I hand the receipt to the front desk lady, and she rolls her eyes. “Whatever,” she says. “This has been the longest day ever.”

“Us too! We’ve been travelling for 40 hours, and…”

She’s giving us a look that says there’s no way our day beats hers when her phone rings.

“Uh huh,” she says. “OK, we’ll push your wake-up call back to 7:30. OK, we’ll bring those up too.”

While she’s talking, we discuss maybe hinting about a room upgrade since we had to wait at the airport so long. Then she slams the phone down. Literally slams it.

“I’M [EXPLETIVE] TIRED OF PEOPLE ASKING ME FOR [EXPLETIVE] ALL NIGHT!!!!”

We do not request an upgrade.

39:40 – After taking showers and brushing our teeth, we feel MUCH better. Instead of going right to bed because we are exhausted, however, we turn on the TV and find something called “Lock Up: Indiana State” that follows prisoners in the Indiana State Penitentiary. At the moment, this feels much more important than sleep.

39:50 – We become engrossed in the story of Ronnie, an inmate engaged to Jodie. Since he’s on probation for contraband, it will be a non-contact wedding ceremony conducted on phones through the prison glass.

39:55 – The minister seems to be hinting that Jodie should maybe rethink this. She shows him the new giant “Ronnie” tattoo on her leg to prove that it’s true love.

39:59 – The ceremony concludes with the new couple pressing their hands against the glass. It’s kind of romantic. We’re genuinely happy for Ronnie and Jodie.

40:00 – A postscript tells us that they divorced seven months later.

It’s midnight. This seems like an appropriate time to turn off the TV and go to bed. We survived the world’s longest day clean, full and still married, and that’s really all I ever hoped for.

LIFE LESSON #16

It is possible to have the best meal of your life at an airport TGI Fridays, but a lot of unpleasant things have to happen first.