They say that you can learn more about a person from a night of poker than a lifetime of conversation. I think that’s true, because on Monday I learned that my grandma is a cold-blooded shark.
The other day, my cousin Leah called to ask if Deserae and I wanted to join her and her boyfriend Andy for a game night with my grandma.
“Yeah, definitely. We have some games – do you want me to bring them?”
“You can, but Andy was going to bring cards and chips for Texas Hold ‘Em.”
“Wait, Grandma knows how to play poker?”
“I don’t think so, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“Has Grandma even played poker once in her life?!”
“Dustin, it’s easy to learn.”
“Uhhhhh, I’ll bring Catch Phrase just in case.”
Leah, Andy, Deserae and I showed up at my grandma’s house at 7 p.m. We were also joined by my mom, because my mom sniffed out a game night, and there’s nothing my mom likes better than game night. When we arrived, my grandma informed us that she had never played Texas Hold ‘Em, and also she goes to bed at 8.
We convinced her that it should be OK to push that bedtime just this once and started explaining the rules. “Here are the poker hands,” Leah said as she showed my grandma a cheat sheet she’d pulled up on her phone. “There’s high card, then a pair, then two pair…”
“OK, I think I’ve got it,” my grandma said without looking at the cheat sheet. That should have been my first clue that maybe Grandma knew a bit more than she was letting on.
Here’s how the game played out.
Hand 1
Andy has just finished explaining “small blind” and “big blind,” and my grandma looks utterly befuddled. Andy explains it again. Then my grandma casually asks, “Are deuces wild?” Now Leah looks utterly befuddled.
Hand 2
Everybody around the table checks. My grandma folds. “Oh, you don’t actually have to fold until someone bets,” Andy says.
“Oh!” My grandma smiles. Then she looks at her cards some more and sighs. “Well it doesn’t matter anyway, because I’ve got doo doo for cards.”
“It’s also a good idea to keep your cards secret.”
Hand 3
My grandma expresses her affection for the Kenny Rogers Geico commercial.
“You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em,” she quietly sings while bopping her head.
“Grandma, it’s your turn.”
“Oh. Hmmmmmmm.” Long pause. “I fold.”
“Again, you don’t have to fold until someone bets.”
“This is a time to hold ‘em,” I offer helpfully.
Hand 6
Grandma has folded at every opportunity (and many opportunities that were not actually opportunities) and is starting to look bored. I prepare to get Catch Phrase from the car.
Hand 7
Andy bets five. Everybody folds except Grandma, who pushes two chips into the pot.
“You need to bet five to stay in the game.”
“Five?”
“Yup.”
“Hmmmmmm,” she says while playing with her chips. “Oh, what the heck.” She puts three more in.
Andy raises the bet each round, and every time Grandma hem-haws around before matching it. Why not – her bedtime is coming up, and it’s not like we’re playing for money.
The last round of betting ends, and Andy and Grandma flip their cards. Andy has a great hand – two pair. Grandma has a better hand.
“Five of these,” she says as she points to three clubs on the table and two in her hand.
“What?!” Andy yelps.
Grandma chuckles and shakes her head as she collects her chips. “Two pair. You only had two pair.”
“That was a good hand!”
Hand 8
“Phooey.”
Grandma is not pleased with her cards. Despite this, she stays in the game, even as the bets keep climbing. Finally, the reveal.
“Pair of jacks.”
“Pair of jacks, pair of queens.”
“Five of these.”
“GRANDMA!!”
Grandma chuckles as she rakes in another huge pot.
Hand 10
Let’s check in on the rest of the table. Grandma, of course, has a mountain of chips in front of her. Leah and my mom have very little. I am almost out. Deserae is doing well, because of course Deserae is doing well. And Andy is making enemies.
“I’ll raise you 10,” Andy says.
Deserae pushes 10 chips into the pot. Andy looks at the chips for a second, then leans over to count them.
“What, you don’t believe me?” Deserae says.
“Haha, no I just…”
“YOU DONT BELIEVE ME!”
Deserae will spend the rest of the game in Beast Mode.
Hand 11
If there was any doubt that my grandma knew what she was doing, it’s erased on Hand 11. Andy dealt for my grandma the first time two times it was her turn, but she takes over on the third. She deals a card to Deserae, then one to me, then one to Leah, but not before PEEKING AT LEAH’S CARD!
“Grandma!” Leah yells.
“What?”
Leah stares at her incredulously. “You looked at my card!”
“What?”
“You peeked at my card and then almost gave it to me and then went back for a second look!”
“Oh,” Grandma says as if this were news to her. “Do you want me to deal again?”
“YES!”
Grandma loses her dealing privileges for the next several rounds.
Hand 13
I am the first to get out of the game. My grandma has all my chips.
Hand 16
Again Andy has a good hand. Again he loses to my grandma. “SERVES YOU RIGHT!” Deserae yells because Andy is now her mortal enemy because he once questioned for a second if she had ten chips or nine. Andy looks around the table helplessly.
Hand 18
My grandma tries to fold before anyone has bet again just to keep up appearances.
Hand 19
My grandma has just finished placing one of the most confusing series of bets I’ve seen. Andy stares at the pot for a minute before saying, “I have no idea what you are thinking!” He is genuinely rattled.
Hands 19-27
Leah gets out and then Deserae gets out. My mom is still in, and Andy and my grandma both have giant war chests. It’s Russia vs. USA if Russia were very good at poker and the USA liked to hum that Kenny Rogers song at random times.
Hand 28
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”
I am now in the other room, but I peek over to see what the commotion is all about. My grandma is raking in a giant pile of chips. She had four of a kind.
9:30 P.M.
It is now well past my grandma’s bedtime, so she does the poker equivalent of flipping over the checker board and just bets big on every hand. Andy wins soon after.
After the game, Andy sticks around in the living room by himself and cleans up the chips. My grandma walks into the other room with everyone else, turns on a polka song and smiles. It’s pretty clear who the real winner is.
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