Transformations

This isn’t a normal blog post, but I wrote a few scripts that were performed at my church’s Great Lakes Youth Conference last week, and I thought I’d share them in case you weren’t able to make all the sessions. This year’s theme was “transformations,” so these are monologues for Bible characters who experienced radical transformations. Enjoy!

Rahab

Joshua 2. Performed by Meg Kelly.

You should have seen who I was before.

I wasn’t a person. I was a product.

I wasn’t a woman. I was a harlot.

I wasn’t Rahab. I was the Woman in the Wall. Continue reading

Florida Woman With Unfortunate Name Fulfills Her Destiny

Florida FridayOne of the greatest things about living in America is freedom to choose a destiny. If a kid wants to be an astronaut, artist or even President, he can if he works hard enough.

Well, most kids anyway. Some have their destiny chosen for them by their parents. Such is the case with today’s Florida Friday star.

Meet 36-year-old Crystal Metheney. Yes, her name is Crystal Metheney. Once you’re named after one of the most dangerous drugs ever created, your decisions throughout life become pretty simple. Of course you move to Florida. Of course you get arrested on a drug charge (Marijuana, actually, for Metheney. Crystal meth would have been too on the nose.) Continue reading

A Herd of Free Armadillos (To a Good Home)

Florida FridayPeople sell ANYTHING on Craigslist. Treadmill with broken motor and no belt? $100. Microsoft Zune with a cracked screen? $50. So if someone’s just giving something away on Craigslist through the “Free Stuff” board, it’s got to be pretty bad.

A quick roundup of actual Craigslist Cleveland Free Stuff for today:

  • Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within DVD (“In decent used shape”)
  • Free fishing bait? Freezer burnt (?) lg bag frozen shrimp (“I have a large unopened 2 lb bag of frozen unpeeled shrimp we never got around to eating. Ice in the bag so I suspect it’s freezer burnt. Maybe not since it’s still in the shell?”)
  • Free bag men’s depends underwear (“Free free free!” Does not say if they have been used or not.)

So when you find something that’s actually good on the Craigslist Free Stuff board, you need to pounce. Jacksonville, it’s time to pounce. Continue reading

Congressman Picks Ear on National Television AND EATS IT

Florida Fridayhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wk2dyF5Fvv8

It can be one of the biggest battles parents fight. Most stop and ask themselves at some point, “Is it even worth the effort?”

Breaking your child of the habit of picking his nose and eating the boogers is worth the effort. Because even though his picking-and-eating habit may not stop him from doing something great with his life – even becoming a member of Congress – it will rear its ugly head at the most inopportune time.

Probably when he’s on national TV. Continue reading

To the People of the ER Waiting Room: I’m Sorry

ER Waiting Room

The other day, I was thinking that I hadn’t done anything worth writing about for a while. Then I poked myself in the eye with a stick.

I had been breaking branches off a small bush in the backyard when somehow a twig splintered off and flew into my eye. If you’d like to know what it feels like to have a twig fly into your eye, dig your fingernail into your eyeball and leave it there for the rest of the day. Continue reading

Hump Daaaay

Hump Day

Perhaps you remember the greatest television advertisement of 2013: the Geico Hump Day commercial.

In the ad, a camel walks around a workplace asking people what day it is. (The people may be his coworkers. It’s unclear. The camel is not wearing a tie.) When he finally gets an answer (Hump Day), he lets out a “woo woooooo,” the Geico guys tell us that people who switch to their insurance are happier than a camel on Wednesday, and everyone buys Geico car insurance. Continue reading

Florida Woman Calls 911 to Report the Sun

Florida Fridayhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsVq07tyUcs&end=64

Being a 911 operator has to be awesome. Yes, there’s daily tragedy, but I’m sure there’s also plenty of THIS.

A Florida woman recently looked into the sky and saw the sun. (Being from Cleveland, I can only assume that’s a nice feeling.) She noticed a phenomenon known as a “22-degree halo” where particles ice particles high in the air cause a halo around the sun. It’s a pretty cool effect, but not cool enough to like pull the kids out of school to see it or anything.

Anyways, instead of joining the rest of Florida by saying “That’s weird” and returning to Candy Crush, she chose to call 911. This was her chance to not only save Tampa, Florida, but also possibly “get the news people out here.” Continue reading

Why Florida Is the Best

Florida FridaySnakebiteToday, we’re excited to unveil a new weekly-to-semi-weekly series called, “Florida Friday,” wherein we check in on the craziest people in the United States.

As an Ohioan, I love Florida. I spent four years of my life there during college. The state has some of the best beaches, warmest winters and friendliest lizards in the country.

It also has the world’s highest concentration of crazy people.

You may or may not have noticed that 90% of news stories involving people doing things like sprinkling their deceased loved one’s ashes all over Lenscrafters or marrying a Ferris wheel happen in Florida. This is not a coincidence. I can assure you from personal experience that nearly everyone who lives in Florida is completely insane.

As a result, the state is America’s biggest exporter of life lessons. This week, we’re learning from a man who got bit by a venomous snake while trying to get a closer look at an alligator. Continue reading

The World’s Most Dangerous Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

I had a bad peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch today. The bread was kind of old, there wasn’t nearly enough jelly and the only peanut butter we currently have in the house is the gritty reduced-fat kind.

It could have been worse.

This afternoon, I came across the following headline from the Park Ridge Herald-Advocate: Peanut Butter and Jelly Blamed for One-Car Park Ridge Crash.

The story truly is fantastic. Here’s the first sentence: “A man was so engrossed in eating his peanut butter and jelly sandwich that he drove his car into a utility pole, Park Ridge (IL) police say.” Isn’t that great? Continue reading