Bags and Bags of Cash

Flat Tire Math

Most of life’s lessons sneak up on you when you’re least expecting them. Monday’s lesson was not one of those.

In a venture that I’m sure I’ll write more about in the future, Deserae and I have recently started selling things online. It has been going well. This Monday, it started going REAL well. By 6 p.m., we had tripled our previous high day for sales. At 7 p.m., we found a new treasure trove of items to sell. By 8 p.m., I had used the word “goldmine” at least three times. At 9 p.m., I sent a text with nine money bag emojis.

So when I drove into a pothole at 9:30, I knew I was probably due. Continue reading

Eye of the Baby Elephant

Baby Elephant Volleyball

Pro football coach Herm Edwards once famously got irked at a reporter who asked if his team had quit. He stared at the reporter for a moment before slowly answering, “This is the greatest thing about sports. (long pause) You play…to win…the game. (condescending look) Hello? You play! To win! THE GAME!”

I would not have put it exactly that way. I would have looked at the reporter and said, “This is the greatest thing about sports: You play…to chew…the sunflower seeds.”

Sitting on the baseball bench for four years, I became AMAZING at sticking half a bag of sunflower seeds in my cheek and cracking, spitting and eating them one-by-one. It’s a real skill. The sunflower seeds were my favorite part of games, because my brief on-field appearances were disasters.

In addition to not having any semblance of athletic ability, I also lack what some might call the “Eye of the Tiger.” When I would take the field, the voice in my head would stop saying, “you play to chew the sunflower seeds” and start up with, “you play to not look dumb.”

This always resulted in me doing something incredibly dumb. Continue reading

Surprise!

Surprise

Deserae does not care for surprises.

One day when we first got married, I hid around a dark corner and jumped out to scare her because that’s what I’ve always assumed you do when you live with someone.

I timed the jump perfectly.

“Boo!”

WHAM!!

I learned her reflex when surprised is to whop the surpriser directly in the stomach.

And it’s not just bad surprises. When we were dating, I told her I had a surprise for her.

“What is it?!”

“I can’t tell you, it’s a surprise!”

“Tellme tellme tellme!”

“Nope!”

I assumed the conversation would end there. It did not. Twenty minutes later: “Did you buy me something? It better not have been expensive. Just give me a hint! OK don’t. Wait, maybe a little one. I don’t know. Tellllllllll meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…”

I tell you all that to tell you this: I am currently a very out-of-practice surpriser. Continue reading

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

Christmas Decorations

Deserae recently shared five pictures of our home decorated for Christmas on Facebook with the one-sentence caption “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas at the Brady house!! :)”

The pictures currently have 56 likes, which is about 53 more than this post will get. I can see why. The pictures make our home look perfect. I could see them being featured in a magazine with the caption, “Awwwww,” alongside a newlywed couple kissing under mistletoe with their Goldendoodle puppy sitting nearby looking embarrassed.

As someone who was there, I feel obligated to share a little behind-the-scenes on those perfect pictures.

Enjoy!! :) Continue reading

Cleveland Wins

Cavs Game

You may recall that I recently got tickets to last week’s Cleveland Cavaliers home opener, the “hardest-to-find Cleveland ticket since the last good sports thing happened here 20 years ago.” Well the game was last Thursday, and it went exactly like you’d expect if you’ve lived in Cleveland any time during the last 20 years: A full day of hype, followed by ten minutes of hope, followed by an evening of crushing despair.

But it’s OK, because the day was never about the game itself. It was all about…well I was there, and I’m still not sure, but it was about SOMETHING. A lot of something. Here’s what I’ll remember about the night.

Miles of sweaty bodies

Deserae and I went to the Winking Lizard downtown for dinner at 4. We got a table at 4:15, and by 4:30, the aisles were clogged with so many people that the only way to go to the bathroom was to crowdsurf there. Outside, the streets were packed with more people than live in the city of Cleveland. People were hanging outside of apartment windows and peering out of parking garages. Nobody was quite sure what they were looking for, but at least they were smiling. Continue reading

The Time I Won the Lottery

Winning the Cavs LotteryDeserae and I win a LOT of stuff.

As I have discussed before, most people find this insufferable. But when they’re done rolling their eyes and saying angry things I hope they don’t mean, everyone always comes back with the same question:

“How are you so lucky?”

My response: #blessed.

I say this because I know it’s what I’m supposed to say, not because it’s how I actually feel. Deep down, I’ve always been convinced that I’m lucky with these things because I make my own luck. Like, if you enter more, you’re probably going to win more, ya know?

However, even I know that saying “I make my own luck!” makes me sound like the worst person in the world. So I’ve kept saying what I say and believing while winning what I win.

That all changed last Monday when I won the first Cavs ticket lottery of the season. Continue reading

The Least Efficient Way to Make Money

Florida FridayIf you’re a criminal, stealing an ATM machine has to seem like the fastest way to make big bucks. The cash is right there for the taking behind a flimsy plastic door. How hard can it be?

The answer: Way harder than it seems. If you need proof, just Google “ATM robbery gone wrong.” You’ll find ATM machines that remain firmly intact after being set on fire, run over and blown up.

Thanks to an enterprising Florida man, we can now add another method to that list: repeatedly ramming the machine with a stolen forklift. Continue reading

Revenge of the Nerd

Computer Nerd

This site has recently gotten a bit of a facelift that wouldn’t have been possible without my brother Scott.

Scott is a computer genius. And not just like he reads a bunch of Gizmodo or is good at troubleshooting Wi-Fi or something. Scott wrote a program that ended up saving a giant retail company over $300,000 a year when he was in high school. Scott is a LEGIT computer genius.

As a computer genius, Scott is also a huge nerd. As in, he owns an “I’m not slacking, my code is compiling” t-shirt that he wears while his code is compiling.

Scott wasn’t always a huge nerd. As a freshman in high school, he played soccer and basketball. Like his older brother, he was terrible at both, but at least he was on the field flopping around and sweating and becoming a man. I couldn’t have been prouder.

But then he started taking apart electronics. I was OK with that as long as the goal was to electrocute or explode something. But then he started learning C. Then C++. Then Java and databases, and before I knew it, he was a full-blown nerd. Continue reading

Crabby Florida Man Gets His Comeuppance

Florida Friday“Comeuppance” is not only the most enjoyable word in the English language to say, it’s also the most enjoyable thing to watch happen.

This week, a crabby Florida man brought joy to millions by getting his comeuppance.

According to the Tampa Bay Times, Doug Wilkey does not care for his neighbor’s business. Wilkey has complained multiple times to City Hall that the business is hurting his property value, disturbing the peace and possibly poisoning its customers.

Before you decide whose side you’re on in this dispute, it’s important to know that Wilkey is 61, his neighbor is 12, and the business is a lemonade stand. Continue reading

This Is Summer in Florida

Florida FridayAfter an unannounced summer hiatus, Florida Friday is back!

You may have wondered what kind of Florida high jinks you’ve been missing all summer. Well, there was plenty of theft, alcohol and nudity (stories like “Naked Men Caught on Camera Stealing Bacon” cover all the bases nicely). Marijuana played a large role (or roll).

But for the best picture of Florida life in June, July and August, we turn to the Bradenton Herald, which brought us this headline from the Bayshore Windmill Village trailer park: Bradenton Woman Charged with Battery after Chucking Bowl of Ramen Noodles, Fork at Victim. Continue reading