The NBA Finals are all about hope and redemption. Heroes and legends. They’re where stars are made and careers are reborn.
I’m not talking about the players, of course. I’m talking low-tier celebrities.
Every year, B- and C-list celebrities find a way to become HUGE fans of a team just before the Finals through some tenuous connection (my dad lived in Ohio when he was in third grade, so maybe I could sing the National Anthem or at least get floor seats?) The ultimate goal, the gold medal, for these celebrities is making the ABC broadcast. Silver medal is the arena jumbotron and bronze is the People.com slideshow the next day.
The NBA Finals start tomorrow, and Games 3 and 4 are in Cleveland. Today, celebrities across the world are trying to figure out if a chance at Jumbotron glory is worth spending a whole day in Cleveland.
To those celebrities, I would like to offer the Cautionary Tale of Judy Greer.
A few years ago, my cousin Tim got four tickets to a Cleveland Indians game through his work and invited Deserae and I to join him and his wife Linda.
The seats ended up being great – about 10 rows from the field. While I was enjoying the game from the best seats I’d ever had without sneaking into them, I noticed these girls two rows in front of us turn around, then turn around again, then turn around again. I felt like I was looking good, but three turnarounds? That’s a pretty special…
Oh. After the third turnaround, they started talking to the pretty, well-dressed woman in front of me.
“I knew it!” one of the girls said. “I’m a big fan!”
With those four words, the Celebrity Antenna of everyone within a 20-foot radius shot up. WHO IS THIS CELEBRITY AMONG US!
Now everybody was craning their necks and Googling and taking covert pictures disguised as selfies. One by one, people figured it out and started whispering. I couldn’t make out every word, but I did hear 13 Going on 30 and 27 Dresses. I looked up the casts of both of those movies, cross referenced the actresses and…
…”It’s Judy Greer!” I whispered down the row.
“Who?”
“I think she’s the one who always plays like the mean friend in romantic comedies?”
“I don’t…”
Our row’s whisper conversation got interrupted by a parade of “lifelong” Judy Greer fans.
“You’re hilarious!”
“I loved you in Arrested Development!”
“I can’t believe I was sitting next to JUDY GREER the whole time!”
By the fourth inning, Judy had found herself in the middle of a group picture with 15 bold fans who needed to document their evening with a star. Judy was smiling, but if you looked closely, you’d notice it was the same smile everyone has on take 12 of family portraits.
Judging by her credits, Judy Greer spends a lot of time in Hollywood. However, I would venture a guess that she is not “Hollywood Famous.” I would imagine that her level of fame is at a place where she spends a lot of time with the rich and famous, and the paparazzi spend a lot of time shooting pictures of Jennifer Lopez over her shoulder.
That night, Judy Greer learned that Cleveland has a much lower bar for famous than Hollywood.
Cleveland has a much lower bar for famous than Hollywood.
After another half inning, the girl sitting next to Judy switched seats with her friend down the row. This friend had one goal: Make Judy Greer her own personal Us Weekly. Since I was sitting directly behind them, I got to witness the entire trainwreck.
“I always loved 13 Going on 30! Is Jennifer Garner nice?”
“She’s really nice.”
“I read that about her. I love her and Ben together. They seem so happy!”
“They do.”
One second of silence.
“Why are you in Cleveland? Are you shooting a movie?”
“No, my father’s getting surgery.”
“I’m so sorry!”
“It’s OK, he’s doing well.”
“Can I ask what kind of surgery?”
Uncomfortable pause.
“He has great doctors.”
The interrogation continued uninterrupted for two full innings. Judy smiled her family portrait smile while her husband stared angrily at the game. Finally, when Judy’s friend sensed that she had asked a sufficient number of questions to become BFFs with a celebrity, she made her move.
“Can I get your phone number?”
It’s important to stop here for a second to note that this was not a child or even a teenager. This was a full-grown 30-year-old woman who is allowed to get a mortgage and have custody of children and everything.
Judy Greer simply smiled at the woman like she was a psychopath. To prove that she was indeed a psychopath, the woman made things worse.
“I won’t ever call you! I just want to have it in my phone!”
More silent smiling. More silent begging. Finally, as a consolation prize, Judy took the woman’s phone, typed a personal note in it and gave it back. The woman looked at the note, smiled at Judy, then got busy texting all her friends about what she was able to accomplish by being such a gross person. While she was texting, Judy stood up.
“It was nice meeting you,” Judy said as she grabbed her husband. “We have to go now.”
The woman stood up to give Judy a hug, but Judy and her husband were already booking it out of the row.
Interestingly enough, another couple left the game early that evening too. Linda was extremely pregnant at the time and actually started going into labor around the same time everyone’s Celebrity Antenna went up. She ran out of the stadium with Tim during the fifth inning and had their first child Clayton later that night.
Clayton’s two years old now, and he is the best. Every time Deserae and I see him, we shout, “CLAYTON!” If we’re lucky, he’ll throw his hands in the air and squeal “DUSTIN!” or “DESH-E-RAYYYY!!” It is truly the greatest feeling in the world.
So I guess my advice to the C-list celebrities considering Cleveland for the Finals would be this: save your money and just find a two-year-old who likes you. It’s a way better feeling.
LIFE LESSON #71
Hollywood Famous doesn’t matter as long as you’re Toddler Famous.