“WE ARE GOING TO BED EARLY TONIGHT!”

It is 5:30 a.m. The alarm has just gone off and an angry, poofy-haired Deserae is standing over my side of the bed. I nod.

“Like 9 o’clock!”

I nod.

“I’M SERIOUS!”

I nod. It’s not going to happen.

When Deserae yells, “WE ARE GOING TO BED EARLY” every morning, I’ve come to realize that she’s not yelling at me at all. She’s actually trying to yell into the future to Nighttime Deserae. Unfortunately, Nighttime Deserae can’t hear her, because she’s too busy talking and giggling and partying and trying to figure out new ways to stay awake.

If you ask Deserae when she goes to bed every night, she will tell you 10 p.m. That is partly true. We do go to bed around 10. Unfortunately, that’s also when Nighttime Deserae clocks in for her shift, and Nighttime Deserae’s single job is making sure that nobody falls asleep for at least an hour. Here’s how it works.

10 p.m.

After brushing my teeth, I come back into the bedroom to find Deserae lying diagonally, taking up every square inch of our king-sized bed – not an easy feat for such a tiny person.

“Move.”

She does not hear me. She is watching something on her phone and cackling.

“Watch this video on Facebook!”

I look. It’s five minutes long. “That’s a long video.”

“Just watch! It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.”

10:05

I give Deserae a polite smile when the video finishes.

“Oh come on! That was funny!”

“Uh huh.”

“Stop being a pill.”

“Are you ready for bed?”

“Wait.”

10:10

“Play me in Trivia Crack.”

I sigh, pick up my phone and answer trivia questions until I get to a Harry Potter one and lose. Then it’s Deserae’s turn.

“Hey what team does Rob Gronkowski play for?”

“Are you playing me?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m not telling you.”

“Is it the Patriots?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“Just tell me if I’m right!”

“No.”

“IS IT THE PATRIOTS?!”

I stare at her until the time runs out and she’s forced to pick an answer.

“IT WAS! I picked the Packers because you wouldn’t tell me I was right!” She glares at me.

10:18

“YOU ARE SUCH A STINKIN PILL!!”

Deserae has just lost her third game in a row.

“Are you ready for bed now?”

“I’m not talking to you.”

10:23

Deserae breaks her silence by rolling over to ask the question that’s been lying heavy on her heart for the last few minutes. “Do you think Neil’s going to be OK?”

“Neil from White Collar?”

“Duh.”

“Yeah, I think he’ll be fine.”

“Can we watch the next episode?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Just the first five minutes!”

“No.”

“Just five minutes to see if he’s going to be OK!”

“No.”

10:28

I turn off Netflix. “Happy now?”

“Yes.”

“Ready for bed?”

“No.”

10:34

“Dus?”

“What?”

“My mouth is not tired.”

10:35

“When we have kids, do you think we should get a fence for our backyard?”

Out of the blue, Nighttime Deserae decides to resume a conversation from three years ago.

“Sure.”

“Well like when?”

“I don’t know.”

Deserae sits up. “I just feel like it’s important to have these conversations!”

“At 10:30 at night in 2015?”

“Well I’m thinking about it now.”

Sighhhhhhh

10:38

“…But like would a tall fence look good there? And where would it connect to our house? And…”

10:44

“…I just feel like you’re not taking this seriously…”

10:47

“…Fine, but I want the deck to match the fence, and we’re going to have to repaint it sometime…”

10:52

“…Well we’re not going to have a deck for long if we don’t take care of it! I just think…”

10:56

“Whew!” Deserae says. “I’m glad we talked about that.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Can we go to bed now?”

“YES.”

11:01

We finish praying together and I shut off the light.

“Love you.”

“Love you.”

“Dus?”

“What?”

Can I have a 10-second back rub?”

11:01:10

“Wow, that was definitely 10 seconds.”

11:04

I am 80 percent asleep. “Dus?” a voice whispers next to me.

…

Are you still awake?”

…

“I know you’re still awake because you haven’t started twitching yet.”

“What.”

“I don’t think we closed the garage door.”

“Yes we did.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you promise?”

…

“Can you check it, I’m scared.”

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“HEY!” I hear from our bedroom when I’m halfway down the stairs. “Can you grab a water while you’re down there?!”

11:05

“It was closed?”

“Yes.”

“Thanks for the water. You’re my hero.”

11:09

“Dus?”

…

“Are you asleep?”

I do a fake twitch.

Deserae sighs. “I’ll just tell you in the morning.”

5:30 a.m.

Alarm. Poofy hair. Angry eyes.

“WE ARE GOING TO BED EARLY TONIGHT!!!”

LIFE LESSON #64

Putting kids to bed is going to be a nightmare.