I don’t like to brag, but over the past few years, I’ve become reeeeeeealllllllly good at the following skills:

• Keeping 100% up-to-date on my entire Twitter feed at all times
• Avoiding quiet moments by whipping out my phone anytime one threatens to sneak up
• Collecting enough coins in Madden 14 Mobile to buy Brian Hoyer, which takes much, MUCH longer than it should
• Ignoring my wife while honing the aforementioned skills

Last month, while I was deeply involved in the last skill, Deserae scooted over to me.

“Hey, I thought this was cool,” she said. She showed me an article where this guy deleted everything on his iPhone because it was keeping him from enjoying his life. He called it “The Distraction-Free iPhone” and said it was the best decision he ever made.

“Huh, cool,” I said. Then I refreshed Twitter again. Continue reading →

Deserae and I win a LOT of stuff.

As I have discussed before, most people find this insufferable. But when they’re done rolling their eyes and saying angry things I hope they don’t mean, everyone always comes back with the same question:

“How are you so lucky?”

My response: #blessed.

I say this because I know it’s what I’m supposed to say, not because it’s how I actually feel. Deep down, I’ve always been convinced that I’m lucky with these things because I make my own luck. Like, if you enter more, you’re probably going to win more, ya know?

However, even I know that saying “I make my own luck!” makes me sound like the worst person in the world. So I’ve kept saying what I say and believing while winning what I win.

That all changed last Monday when I won the first Cavs ticket lottery of the season. Continue reading →

 
I spent last Tuesday scribbling parenting notes. I wasn’t attending a parenting seminar or being mentored or even sitting near a single child.

I was at a public hearing.

I believe that moderating a public hearing about an unpopular decision has to be exactly like parenting a teenager. I guess I can’t say for sure because I have never done either, but it seems like, whenever they get angry, the public and teenagers do the same four things:

1. YELL
2. Issue slanderous statements against authority
3. Make bad analogies
4. Bring up the Bill of Rights

I know this because I was both a teenager and a reporter for the Sun News (not at the same time, but close). As a reporter, I got to witness many public hearings and City Council meetings. Those meetings were the best part of any job I’ve ever had.

City Council meetings are amazing because they provide a rare opportunity for any citizen to go straight to the government and tell the government to STICK IT. The people who take advantage of this opportunity on a bi-weekly basis are usually old, cranky or insane. Most are all three. Continue reading →

Last week, an old friend of mine passed away. I haven’t been asked yet to give a eulogy at the funeral, but I thought I’d write one up, just to help me work through some emotions.

We’re gathered here today to honor the memory of 1GCDL19W5TB552866, a 1993 Ford Tempo affectionately named “The Red Rocket.”

The Red Rocket wasn’t the fastest car on the road. Or the fanciest. Or the most reliable. She was labeled by many a “Roller Skate,” “Death Trap” and “Ugliest Car I’ve Ever Seen.” But she was my first, and I loved her dearly.

Rather than complain about her habits of breaking down and leaking oil like some in this room seem to enjoy doing [pauses and glares at guilty parties], I’d like to take a few minutes to remember some of the Red Rocket’s best qualities. Continue reading →

As a human race, we have a lot of disagreements. However, I think there are two things that everyone on earth, regardless of race, religion, politics and wealth, can agree upon:

1. No one needed a fourth Indiana Jones movie
2. Magic is the best thing ever

I believe that if you’re good at magic, you’ll never have an enemy again. Just imagine if the President of the United States could do magic. During the State of the Union Address, he’d be talking about his policy, and the camera would pan around to Senators being crabby like normal. But then at the end, he pulls out a deck of cards and tells the Speaker of the House to imagine a card and pull it out. The Speaker imagines his card, but can’t find it in the deck. Where is it? He’s on national TV, and he’s getting a little flustered. Finally, the President saves him by pointing to the American flag behind him. What’s that? The Speaker unfurls the flag to find the stars arranged to form the very card he was imagining: the ace of spades. The place erupts, the President is a hero, and the next day, everyone signs up for Obamacare.

I’m not the President, but I do teach second grade boys Sunday School and lead Junior Church once a month. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there’s no faster way to get kids on your side than to say the words, “I’ve got a magic trick.” So for the past two years or so, I’ve ended my Junior Church message with some sort of magic trick illustration.

There’s only one problem with that: I am terrible at magic. Continue reading →

If we’ve met in person and you filled out a comment card about that first interaction, I imagine it would say something like, “Well he tried hard, and he certainly smiled, but…”

I am not great at first impressions, so I try to learn everything I can from the people I meet. Last week, I came across three different women at Carrabba’s trying to make a good first impression for three different reasons and let me tell you – I learned A LOT. Since I never got their names, I took the liberty of naming them Jen, Jenny and Jennifer.

Jen

I drove straight to Carrabba’s after work last Monday to meet up with Deserae, and I sat for a few minutes after I had parked listening to a podcast, because sometimes I forget that podcasts are not live radio. This gave Jen enough time to stake me out. As soon as I started to open the door of my car, she caught up to me.

“Excuse me, I’m so sorry to bother you, but my car ran out of gas, and I’m with my kids, and I just need to borrow a few dollars to fill it up at the gas station down the street.”

“Of course!”

I said “of course” because Jen fit squarely into the second of three categories of people I lend money to: immediate family, damsels in distress and the U.S. government. Continue reading →

I had a wonderful blog post full of twists, turns, jokes and wit lined up for this week. It was all laid out in my head; all I had to do was write it on my return flight from Bermuda.

Unfortunately, I was not able to write that blog post or retrieve my laptop or move even a single inch on the plane. I am not telling you this so you feel sorry for me (Again, I was coming back from Bermuda). I am telling you because making fun of airplane travel is the easiest, hackiest blog post to write, but it was the best I could do with the only things that worked during the two-hour flight – two thumbs and a phone.

The following is basically copied and pasted from a super long note on my phone. Sorry.

“Nononono…yessssss. Nononono NOOOOOO…yessss.” This is Deserae’s inner (and outer) monologue as she watches people walk past our row. Two people in a three-person row is Deserae’s first class since she gets to sprawl out even more than she already does. Nonononono…[silence and fake friendly smile as a man sits in the aisle seat of our row] No first class today. Continue reading →

This site has recently gotten a bit of a facelift that wouldn’t have been possible without my brother Scott.

Scott is a computer genius. And not just like he reads a bunch of Gizmodo or is good at troubleshooting Wi-Fi or something. Scott wrote a program that ended up saving a giant retail company over $300,000 a year when he was in high school. Scott is a LEGIT computer genius.

As a computer genius, Scott is also a huge nerd. As in, he owns an “I’m not slacking, my code is compiling” t-shirt that he wears while his code is compiling.

Scott wasn’t always a huge nerd. As a freshman in high school, he played soccer and basketball. Like his older brother, he was terrible at both, but at least he was on the field flopping around and sweating and becoming a man. I couldn’t have been prouder.

But then he started taking apart electronics. I was OK with that as long as the goal was to electrocute or explode something. But then he started learning C. Then C++. Then Java and databases, and before I knew it, he was a full-blown nerd. Continue reading →

I played soccer and baseball all four years of high school. Although I can’t be certain, I truly believe that if I wasn’t the worst two-sport athlete of all time, I was certainly in the discussion for top 5.

People with my skill set are supposed to try Little League for two years, then join the marching band. But a perfect storm of perseverance (stubbornness), undying belief in myself (delusion) and a small high school (He’s a senior, so I guess we have to let him play?) kept me pressing on.

I was a terrible high school athlete and am currently an even less athletic adult, so what reason could I possibly have for playing in my high school’s alumni soccer game last Friday?

I blame it on the shoes.

Continue reading →

Every year, Deserae and I try to take a short out-of-town trip to celebrate our anniversary. Two years ago, I planned the best one ever: a weekend at an awesome cabin in Hocking Hills. There would be sweet hikes, hot dogs over the fire, millions of stars, rock climbing – it was going to be the best.

The weekend finally arrived, and after Deserae finished packing with five jackets (tomorrow night is supposed to be kind of cool), enough marshmallows to insulate our cabin (you like s’mores, right?) and everything else we own (just in case!), we were off.

I was so pumped that I was even able to tune out Deserae’s obnoxious talking GPS for the first few hours. But sometime around Columbus, it started to get on my nerves. Continue reading →