I spent last Tuesday scribbling parenting notes. I wasn’t attending a parenting seminar or being mentored or even sitting near a single child.

I was at a public hearing.

I believe that moderating a public hearing about an unpopular decision has to be exactly like parenting a teenager. I guess I can’t say for sure because I have never done either, but it seems like, whenever they get angry, the public and teenagers do the same four things:

1. YELL
2. Issue slanderous statements against authority
3. Make bad analogies
4. Bring up the Bill of Rights

I know this because I was both a teenager and a reporter for the Sun News (not at the same time, but close). As a reporter, I got to witness many public hearings and City Council meetings. Those meetings were the best part of any job I’ve ever had.

City Council meetings are amazing because they provide a rare opportunity for any citizen to go straight to the government and tell the government to STICK IT. The people who take advantage of this opportunity on a bi-weekly basis are usually old, cranky or insane. Most are all three.

Then there are the members of City Council. I believe that City Council attracts two very different types of people. You’ll know which type of councilman you have because just before he decides to run, he’ll either say:

“$10,000 a year? And I just have to listen to arguing and yelling twice a month? Sure, why not.”

or

“If I can’t rule the world, Ward 5 Councilman will have to do.”

When you put all these people in a room together, things get real interesting real fast. And when City Council has to tell the public something they don’t want to hear? That’s where amazing happens.

City Council meetings provide a rare opportunity for any citizen to go straight to the government and tell the government to STICK IT.

That’s where I found myself last Tuesday. I live on kind of a main road that’s only two lanes right now. It’s the perfect size. Traffic never gets backed up, huge trucks aren’t rumbling around at all hours and neighbors still take the time to stop and talk to each other.

Unfortunately, a couple years ago in an effort to prove his worth, our mayor obtained stimulus funding from the federal government to widen our road to five whole lanes! Did we need five lanes? Did a single person ask for them? Well, no, but we’re getting them for the same reason I just got six MP3 players from Kmart: THEY WERE FREE!!!

As you can imagine, this does not sit well with the residents of Bagley Road.

Because construction is set to start in a few months, I recently got an invitation to a hearing that would inform me what would be happening next and allow me to bring questions or concerns.

Oh, there would be concerns.

Last Tuesday, Middleburg Heights Community Center Room C was a crowded, angry place. I walked in a few minutes before 7, found a seat, grinned at my neighbor, turned on my recorder and waited for the fireworks to start. Let the parenting tips begin!

Tip #1: You Never Understand

Once they brought in extra chairs for everyone, a tired-looking guy from the county started going through the project plan. Basically: you will all be highly inconvenienced for two, probably three years. Then he covered some helpful tips like, “They’re probably going to break a water main more than once. Sorry in advance.”

Fifteen minutes in, an old lady in the back interrupted him with a question.

“IS IT TRUE THAT 18-WHEELERS WILL BE ALLOWED DOWN OUR STREET NOW?”

I should note that almost every person on my street is over 70 years old. And after you hit 70, you start talking more and more like Frank Costanza when you get mad.

“Since the road’s being funded with federal dollars, we’re not allowed to stop the trucks…”

“WELL I’VE BEEN LIVING IN THIS HOUSE FOR 40 YEARS, AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING…”

[Five minutes later]

“…IT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOUR WIFE TOLD YOU THAT …”

[Five minutes later]

“…THE CONSTITUTION GIVES US THE RIGHT TO…”

[Five minutes later]

“…WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO THAT?!”

The guy from the county sighed. “Ma’am, I understand…”

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!”

This time, she was joined by a chorus of angry neighbors.

As the evening wore on and people began making more accusations, the first response out of the guy’s mouth would always be “I understand.” And each time, the public responded as one. “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!” I even joined in a couple times at the end, just because it seemed like so much fun.

Toward the end, you could see him catching himself as the words started coming out of his mouth. “I understaaaaa…” *grimace.* He just couldn’t help himself, and it was fabulous.

I don’t know what to say to my future teenager when he’s mad at me, but last week, I did cross one sentence off my list. (Also, I added it to the list of things to say when you want to really rile your kid up. I feel like that list will come in handy at some point.)

Tip #2: Don’t Make It Worse

When you attend public meetings, you quickly learn what an active imagination your neighbors have. One woman, for example, was worried that a bigger road would lead to brighter lights, which would lead to more visible backyards, which would lead to more burglaries. Everyone presented a worse worst-case scenario than the person who spoke before.

Every time someone said something nutty, I looked up at the city officials and smiled, because it was their turn to figure out a response that wouldn’t make everyone in the room hate them.

They did not perform well.

When you attend public meetings, you quickly learn what an active imagination your neighbors have.

“SO THESE GRATES IN THE ROAD DURING CONSTRUCTION, THEY’RE GOING TO KEEP ME UP ALL NIGHT WITH CARS DRIVING OVER THEM, RIGHT?”

“Well, we’re restricting access to the road, so there shouldn’t be that many cars, and they’ll only be in front of your house for a few months.”

“SO YOU THINK IT’S OK TO KEEP ME AWAKE FOR A FEW MONTHS?”

“I didn’t say that, I…”

“WHY DON’T YOU SLEEP IN MY DRIVEWAY DURING CONSTRUCTION AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT?!”

[Round of applause from the audience]

“Sir, I understand…”

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!”

At one point, the city engineer made the grave mistake of trying to justify the road.

“It’s not costing us anything, and we’ll need to repave the road anyways…”

That’s as far as he got. Order was not restored for a full five minutes.

After another unsuccessful explanation from a city official, a woman finally helped him them out with a bit of advice that I think is perfect for anyone with any type of authority. Especially parents.

“I need you to understand something. NOTHING any of you say tonight is going to make us happy.”

He understood (although he didn’t dare say that). The meeting ended with five public officials standing glumly and silently as person after person yelled at them. They did not offer any helpful solutions, but they also didn’t make things worse. Sometimes, that’s enough.

Tip #3: Find a Scapegoat

Although it seemed that every person with any possible connection to the road was at the meeting, the public quickly realized one was missing.

“WHY WOULD THE MAYOR LET THIS HAPPEN WITHOUT A VOTE?”

“I don’t know, you’ll have to ask him.”

“WHY ISN’T HE HERE?”

“I don’t know, you’ll have to ask him.”

Our mayor has been in office for 33 years. During those 33 years, he has learned a number of important lessons. One of those lessons is that ribbon-cuttings are a lot more fun than angry mobs.

During the meeting, I watched the public officials learning a lesson of their own.

“WHO AUTHORIZED THIS PROJECT?”

“Thirty years ago, City Council…”

“I DON’T CARE ABOUT THIRTY YEARS AGO, WHO AUTHORIZED THIS PROJECT?”

Uncomfortable silence. “Well the mayor…”

I didn’t hear the whole response, because it was interrupted by several minutes of unspeakable things said against the mayor.

After that, it was on.

“WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO LET THEM TAKE OUR TREES IF THIS IS TREE CITY USA?!”

“You’ll have to ask the mayor.”

“WHY DIDN’T WE HAVE A PUBLIC FORUM?!”

“You’ll have to ask the mayor.”

“WHY DON’T YOU ALL JUST…”

“You’ll have to ask the mayor.”

I hesitate to share what parenting lesson I learned from this, but when it comes down to it, I know that reassurances and reason will never make things better with my kids. It seems like only one sentence in the world can take the heat off:

“You’ll have to ask your mom.”

LIFE LESSON #39

If you can’t take the heat, stay out of local politics. And parenting.