Today, we’re excited to unveil a new weekly-to-semi-weekly series called, “Florida Friday,” wherein we check in on the craziest people in the United States.
As an Ohioan, I love Florida. I spent four years of my life there during college. The state has some of the best beaches, warmest winters and friendliest lizards in the country.
It also has the world’s highest concentration of crazy people.
You may or may not have noticed that 90% of news stories involving people doing things like sprinkling their deceased loved one’s ashes all over Lenscrafters or marrying a Ferris wheel happen in Florida. This is not a coincidence. I can assure you from personal experience that nearly everyone who lives in Florida is completely insane.
As a result, the state is America’s biggest exporter of life lessons. This week, we’re learning from a man who got bit by a venomous snake while trying to get a closer look at an alligator.
The unnamed 29-year-old and his girlfriend were driving down the road when they noticed an alligator. Instead of enjoying the deadly creature from the safety of their car, they pulled over, got out, and started walking through tall brush to get a closer look. It was then, perhaps while he was bending over to take a better photo, maybe while he was deciding on a hashtag for Instagram, that a water moccasin snuck up and bit him. He got airlifted to the hospital, where he is now in stable condition.
Now maybe you’re thinking that the guy just got unlucky. That he should have been perfectly safe because he could just zig-zag his way back to the car if the alligator decided to attack.
You are wrong.
One important fact you should know is that the man was driving down a stretch of highway known as “Alligator Alley” at the time. The road has no gas stations or any signs of human life, because it’s infested with HUNDREDS of alligators.
One more thing. When he called 911, he had to tell the dispatcher where he was. He frantically reported that he was on I-75 right by the exit for (as Floridian Dave Barry would say, I am not making this up) Snake Road.
More Florida headlines from this week:
Atheist calls for godless attorney after butter-knife attack on roomie mistaken for Jesus
Best line: “It’s just my human rights and everything else,” Potthoff, 51, said against the advice of a public defender. “I’m allowed to be with someone of my own kind.”
Search underway for shoplifter with no pants
Best line: Some shoppers thought it was strange when the woman entered the College Road Publix in Ocala, and others hardly noticed.
Miami cop crashes her car UP a telephone pole… and walks off without a scratch
Best line: “I hadn’t seen nothing this good since ‘Bad Boys’ with Will Smith.”
Thanks to “Florida Man” on Reddit for all the news stories.
LIFE LESSON #7
If you notice a deadly animal while driving down a road named after said deadly animal, maybe just stay in the car.