The Cleveland Marathon is this weekend. I ran the race five years ago and wrote about my experience. If you’ve ever wanted to find out what it’s like to run a marathon without actually running one, this is for you.

Pre-race
It’s 5:45 on the morning of the race, and I’ve just discovered my car has been egged.

I promise, I’m not surprised. In the weeks leading up to the race, I’ve dreamed that my car wouldn’t start, that I had forgotten to sign up for the marathon all together, that I’d gotten lost on the way to the race, and, of course, that I had run the whole thing in my underwear. Really, I’m relieved that an eggy car is all I have to worry about.

I park in downtown Cleveland at 6:15 with four sleepy/crabby supporters: my brother and sisters Scott, Sarah and Amanda and my then-girlfriend-now-wife, Deserae. We get to the spot where they’ll be watching the race – right across from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It’s supposed to be one of the best places in the city to watch, but instead of a huge crowd to keep them company, we find only a large speaker and a frowning woman. After leaving them with some sound advice (just scream if anything happens), I leave praying that they would not get, in the words of my mom, “stolen.”

By this time, it’s 45 degrees, with a wind chill of negative 76 – perfect weather when you’re wearing a t-shirt and your shortest pair of shorts. And just when I’ve found the starting line, I feel a strong urge to relieve myself. Unfortunately, the lines for the port-a-potties include every spectator, runner and homeless person in Cleveland, so I bounce in place in the freezing cold with a full bladder for 20 minutes. I think I dreamed this would happen too.

At 7 o’clock, the emcee finally starts the countdown. 5-4-3-2-1-

GO!
And, they’re walking! Very slowly! Actually, it’s more of a shuffle. With over 9,000 runners in the marathon, half-marathon and 10k, there’s a VERY good chance of getting trampled right now. Woo! Cleveland rocks!

Mile .15
Just passed my shivering/crabby spectators! Even though they’re on the sidewalk, they’re being engulfed by a river of people. I fear for Scott’s life. Also, the speaker that they are sitting next to has begun to blare “Pretty Woman.” Really loud.

Mile .5
People are throwing layers of clothing everywhere. Also, three guys are running behind small bushes outside Browns Stadium to pee. Very tempted to join them.

Mile .85
Much to their dismay, my annoyed/crabby spectators just found out that the speaker next to them repeats “Pretty Woman,” “Great Balls of Fire” and “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” overandoverandover again.

Mile 1.25
Just passed the first spectators with cowbells! Excellent! I need more cowbell!

Mile 1.75
It’s eerily quiet for thousands of people running at the same time. A spectator shouts “You can do it!” and I shout back “Thank you!” Nobody else says anything, and I get looks. I’m gonna be quiet for a while now.

Mile 2.5
Just passed two teenagers silently holding signs with stoplights on them and said something about gypsies. Not sure if they’re pro-gypsy or anti-gypsy, but I really want to know. Sadly, I do not stop to chat.

Mile 3
Definitely should have practiced running and drinking water at the same time. My first drink station is a disaster. The only water that gets down my throat goes straight down my trachea into my lungs, and the rest splatters onto my shirt through my nose.

Mile 4
The St. Ignatius band is standing on the sidewalk playing “Hang on Sloopy!” Everyone does the O-H-I-O thing with their arms except the crabby serious runners.

Mile 5
I don’t know how to describe this man that I’ve just found myself running behind. Um, ok lets see, he’s about 60, bald, Italian, and, oh yeah, he’s wearing nothing but pockets hung around his waist and MAYBE underwear. Note that I’ve been stealing glances at him for about a mile now, and I’m still not sure he has underwear on. He’s got a really hairy back too.

Mile 5.5
Somehow, the second drink station is more disastrous than the first.

Mile 6
After two miles behind the naked, hairy guy, I’ve finally passed him, and I’m not looking back. That guy and my bladder are the two biggest reasons I’m finishing this thing in record time.

Mile 7.5
In Lakewood, everybody’s out in their front yards with signs and noisemakers and clappers and cowbells. We’re yelling at each other and having a ball. A couple guys are doing a cool drumming thing on trash cans, another high school band is playing and this one guy is playing trombone solos.

Mile 7.51
Back at the Rock Hall, “Pretty Woman” has played for its eighth time, and my bored/crabby spectators have decided to walk the 50 yards to Lake Erie for a change of scenery. They look over the side of the fence into a murky lake filled with floating fish, garbage and green bubbles. Scott breaks the silence by asking, “Why are we here, and why is it so cold? Two very good questions.”

Mile 8
I’m feeling really good, and just finished eight miles in record time. All those experts who said to run the first 10 miles slow were sooooooo wrong. I’m going to finish this thing 45 minutes under my goal!

Mile 9
THEY’RE GIVING OUT THE GEL! This whole race, I’ve been looking forward to the gel energy packets promised to us at miles 9 and 20, while imagining the Superman burst it will give me. My enthusiasm is dampened only slightly when 1) I get the orange flavor and 2) it tastes like garbage.

Mile 11
I’ve been trying to wipe the sticky gel off my hands for the last two miles now, and I’m still waiting for my burst to kick in. Sadly, the burst never comes. On the plus side, though, I finally get the gel off my hands by giving some kids a high five.

Mile 12
Just passed the oldest man alive. He’s white as a ghost, staring at the ground and about to fall over. And, yes, he was ahead of me for 12 miles.

Mile 12.5
Here’s where the road splits – marathoners go one way and the half marathoners go the other. The guy behind me yells, “This is where the men separate from the boys!” I bellow a hearty laugh and sprout a chest hair.

Mile 13
We’ve circled back downtown, and I’m passing my cheering/crabby spectators again. By now, they’re sitting on top of each other to keep themselves warm. After we hug and scream, the lady next to them tells me I probably shouldn’t use all that energy yelling and clapping and high-fiving spectators. Nah. It’ll be fine.

Mile 13.01
Also, it’s good to hear “Pretty Woman” again.

Mile 15
The “Pretty Woman” music station is one of ten scattered through the course. Mile 15 is the Springsteen station! Guaranteed to stay in your head for at least 64 more miles! “Boooooooooooorrrn in the USA! Boooooooooooorrrn in the USA! “Booooooooooooooooooorrrrn in the USA! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’ve really got to pee!”

Mile 16.5
Whoever decided to have the marathoners run a long leg of their journey along Lake Erie’s shore deserves to be slapped with a dead fish. I would be able to do the honors too – there’s been a steady supply of fish floating next to me, raising a holy stench for a good three miles now. This was the only time I really felt like throwing up the entire race.

Mile 17
Request for more cowbell granted! Just passed our 10,000th cowbell! Huge milestone!

Mile 18
You may be curious to know whether or not I’ve mastered drinking on the run yet. I think the snot and Powerade flying out of my nose speaks for itself.

Mile 18.5
A school band is “getting jiggy with it.” They are all black. Next to them, several old men are playing accordions. None of them are black.

Mile 19
Running along the beautiful Martin Luther King Drive, I never would have guessed that there’s a good chance I would have either been knifed to death or beaten and left for dead had I run through here last night. Blissfully ignorant of this fact, I smile and wave to shady looking characters in hoods.

Mile 20.5
My anticipation for my second gel packet has been building for a few miles now, and my eyes light up when I see the flavor I’m getting. “Yeah, yellow!” I yell to the little girl handing me the packet.

Mile 20.51
Bad, bad news. Yellow, in this case means banana. Not lemon. Also, because I’m getting tired, a third of it ends up on my face, a third ends up on my clothes, and only a third ends up in my mouth. This is a low point in the race for me.

Mile 21
OK, mayyyybe those experts were right about taking the beginning of the race slow. My knees ache, my legs feel like rubber and I have five miles to go. And I still have to pee.

Mile 22
Worse news. I may have been hallucinating the last mile, and for some reason, I thought I was on mile 23, not 22. When I see the flag for mile 22, I get very discouraged. Also, the naked, hairy guy just passed me.

Mile 23
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’ve really got to pee!

Mile 23.5
Finally figured out how to make it through a drink station. Apparently, if you walk while drinking, you can finish a whole cup! Who knew? And yes, this is the second-to-last station.

Mile 24
Just had this exchange with a wild-eyed woman spectator:
Woman: You’re awesome!
Me: No you’re awesome!
Woman (perking up because somebody has actually responded to her): NO YOU’RE AWESOME!
Me: YEAHHHHH!
Woman (this time, with wide, crazy eyes): YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Mile 25
Just passed the 19th “One Goal” poster. Since this was the Cleveland Cavalier’s motto this postseason (remember when the Cavs played in the postseason?), some people apparently thought it would be really original to write it on a poster. Sadly “One Goal” is ranking slightly behind “You Can Do It” and just ahead of “Go for the Goal” in originality this year.

Mile 26
Okay, okay, the experts were right. I’m ready to fall over and I’m no longer on pace to beat my goal by 45 minutes. Also, I’m wondering where the finish line is, since it’s supposed to be in .2 miles, and I don’t remember .2 miles being this long.

Mile 26.1
Just ran past the “You’re awesome!” lady again! I have no idea how she made it here this fast, but we go through our routine again.

Mile 26.195
OK, I spent the whole race telling myself that I would not do the cheesy fists-in-the-air-while-crossing-the-finish-line pose. Yet, somehow, when I see my angry/crabby supporters holding up a camera, my brain shuts off.

Mile 26.2
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post-race
After I cross the finish line, a lady hangs my medal around my neck. The medal features a guitar that spins, which is nice. For the record, I finished in 3 hours and 32 minutes, running 8:05 minute miles, and placed 328th.

The first thing I hear after I get my medal is my brothers and sisters yelling at me. Not “good job” or “congratulations,” but “GET US SNACKS!” Apparently, the runners are allowed to get all the snacks and drinks they want for free. After two armfuls of cheese puffs, bananas, pretzels, juice and chocolate milk, the hungry hoard is satisfied.

When we sit down to eat, Deserae tells me how proud she is of me, everybody else tells me what a miserable time they had, and I tell them about the naked hairy guy. And it turns out, they’re all supportive and happy for me after all.

It’s only when I try to stand up again that I realize my legs no longer work. It’s okay, though, I don’t need them anymore. I’ve finally found out what it’s like to run a marathon.

Turns out, it’s really long when you have to pee.

LIFE LESSON #13

A marathon is really long when you have to pee.