I do not recommend canoeing as a first date if you hope to reach date number two.

My wife and I canoed on our first date, and it was very nearly the last time we did anything at all. I thought it went great. Deserae did not. Here’s how it went:

HOUR 1

Dustin’s version:

It took a couple minutes for us to get on the same page.

Deserae’s version:

Dustin could not stop running into rocks. He just kept zig-zagging back and forth into Every. Single. Rock.

HOUR 2

Dustin’s version:

I was pretty funny. Deserae seemed to be into me.

Deserae’s version:

I don’t know what we talked about. It was hard to concentrate with all the overhanging branches slapping my face.

HOUR 3

Dustin’s version:

A small spider ended up in our canoe. I didn’t kill it because I didn’t want to tip the canoe. This seemed to upset Deserae.

Deserae’s version:

A spider crawled over my foot and DUSTIN REFUSED TO KILL IT. WHAT KIND OF MAN DOESN’T KILL A SPIDER???

I did not realize how close I’d come to losing my future wife to a spider until we started telling people about the canoe trip. “We had a really good time,” I’d start out. “The weather was…”

“…He didn’t kill the spider,” Deserae would interrupt. “A spider was crawling ON MY FOOT and he refused to kill it.”

“Well I didn’t want to…”

“WHAT KIND OF MAN DOESN’T KILL A SPIDER???”

Deserae HATES spiders. Big spiders, small spiders, jumping spiders, pieces of fuzz that look like they could be spiders.

Unfortunately for her, she started dating someone with the following two traits:

1. Apathy toward spiders
2. Slow reflexes

This led to many sequels of the canoe incident.

“Oh no. Ohhhhhhh no. Dustin, quick, get the spider.”

“What spider?”

“In the corner of the ceiling!”

“That’s too small to be a spider.”

“IT’S A SPIDER AND IT’S GETTING AWAY!”

*Squints.* “Hang on let me get something.”

“NOT THE TOILET PAPER! THAT NEVER WORKS!”

“Uhhhhhhhhh, hang on.”

I return with a shoe 30 seconds later to angry eyes. “It got away.”

To avoid these types of situations, I tried to get better at killing spiders. I really did. I wanted to be my wife’s hero. And although I felt like I was making progress, Deserae would disagree.

That all changed the day I became a man.

A few months ago, Deserae and I visited Australia, home to some of the biggest, most poisonous spiders in the world. If you don’t want to sleep for a few days, Google “Big spiders Australia.” You’ll get thousands of results like the following video. It’s probably best if you just scroll past it.

For the two weeks we were in Australia, Deserae remained vigilant for the giant snakes and spiders she had been hearing so much about. Nothing. Then one night, while we were staying in a guest house near the rainforest, I glanced over while brushing my teeth.

In the hallway between the bathroom and the bedroom, just chilling out like he owned the place, was the biggest spider I had ever seen in real life. He was the size of a pet tarantula, super hairy and possibly poisonous.

“Deserae, don’t look over here.”

“TOO LATE!”

We stared speechless at the spider for another second, then it bolted toward Deserae like a maniac. She didn’t scream like usual. She didn’t even run. She just froze.

This was it. My chance to save the day. To become a hero. To prove to my wife what a man I was.

I grabbed a giant wad of toilet paper and charged.

The spider hid behind a vase in the corner of the room. I looked up at Deserae and saw all the color had drained from her face.

“Dustin, put down the toilet paper and get. a. shoe.”

I had her grab me a flip-flop while I stared down the vase, desperately trying to piece together a plan. This would be my defining moment, my final exam, the spider that all other spiders had been preparing me for. And I was blanking.

Deserae handed me the flip-flop. Her hand was shaking. “What are you going to do?”

Suddenly, I knew.

I grabbed a nearby hairdryer and slid it toward the left side of the vase. As soon as it clunked the vase, the spider ran from the right side. Directly into my trap.

WHAM!

Got him.

I used half a roll of toilet paper to dispose of his corpse and returned to the bedroom where Deserae was waiting.

“I can’t believe you got him!” she said as she gave me a huge hug. “You’re my hero!”

LIFE LESSON #24

Heroes are never born. They are made.