I’m a sucker for stories with surprise endings. Your movie is at eight percent on Rotten Tomatoes? People compare it to a grease dumpster fire? But what’s that you say – at the end you find out that the whole time the bad guy has been…WAIT, WAIT DON’T TELL ME! I’m in for the next two hours!

Unfortunately, I’ve learned that twist endings are not as great in real life as they are in the movies.

My sophomore year of college, I lived with a mild-mannered roommate named Jordan. Jordan was so mild-mannered that if someone were to replace him with a reasonably lifelike mannequin, it might have taken a few days to notice. If my life were a movie, Jordan would be the perfect candidate for a last-minute twist.

Jordan’s one defining characteristic was that he was in a band in high school. He’d remind us of this fact every few days.

“We were pretty good,” he’d say while picking at his guitar in bed.

When nobody would look up, he’d continue.

“We did the Nebraska State Fair last year.”

Silence.

Twang twang twang twang

Zero times that semester did anyone show even a shred of interest in Jordan’s band. That did not stop him from filling us in on every detail.

He shared the band’s name (Skylar Blue).

“Cool.”

He shared the reason for the name (A 10-minute story about a kid named Skylar dying of cancer).

“Cool.”

He shared every song his band had recorded. (Heavenly, Faye and Til Death Do Us Part).

“Cool.”

Every story about Jordan’s band was long and filled with colorful detail. No one cared. No one cared, that is, until the day of The Twist.

On the day of The Twist, my cousin and roommate Tim was looking through music on his friend Jeremy’s computer.

“No way!” Tim said.

“What?”

“You have my roommate’s band on here!”

“Huh?” Jeremy said as he walked to the computer.

“Skylar Blue! My roommate is in this band!”

Jeremy looked at the computer for a few seconds.

“No man, that’s just free music that comes with the computer.”

Tim stared at Jeremy for a few seconds. “No! No way! He’s in this band!”

“I’m pretty sure he’s not.”

Tim ran back up our room where I was on my computer. “YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!”

Tim told me the story. I couldn’t believe it. I opened the “Sample Music” folder on my computer.

There it was.

Skylar Blue.

In that instant, Jordan went from mild-mannered roommate to crazy psychopath WHO MAKES UP STORIES ABOUT KIDS WITH CANCER FOR NO REASON.

Of course, we immediately told everyone we knew. Everyone loves a surprise ending! But, as you already know, for every person who loves a surprise ending, there’s someone else who loves spoiling it. On the day of The Twist, my cousin Leah was that person.

Leah sat at the lunch table when Tim told the Skylar Blue story that day. An hour later, Leah sat next to Jordan in Freshman History class.

“Hi Jordan!”

“Hey.”

“So,” Leah said with the world’s biggest smile on her face, “Skylar Blue, huh?”

“What?” Jordan stared at her.

“Skylar Blue!” Leah was downright giddy.

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh yooooou know.”

Now here’s the problem with twist endings in real life. In movies, the twist happens and the credits start rolling. In real life, everyone has to live with the consequences. In this particular story, I somehow caught the brunt of the consequences.

Back in the room, I had no idea how fast Jordan’s story was spreading. After class, Jordan walked in and silently pulled a chair next to me.

“Hey Jordan,” I said without looking up from the computer.

“So you know about Skylar Blue, huh?”

My stomach tightened and I quickly looked at Jordan. He was staring at me with crazy eyes. I suddenly became very aware that I was alone with a psychopath.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhh yeah.” Awkward laugh.

Jordan never broke eye contact. “It was part of a project my friend Jim and I have been working on about lying.”

“Oh.”

More eye contact.

“OK.”

Jordan opened a notebook. “Can I ask you a few questions?”

“Sure.”

“Is your name Dustin Brady?”

“Uh, yes.”

Jordan stared at me for three uncomfortable seconds and scribbled something in his notebook.

“Do you live in Cleveland, Ohio.”

“Jordan, why are you asking me this?”

“It’s part of the experiment. Do you live in Cleveland, Ohio?”

“Yeah.”

Jordan stared some more and scribbled again.

“Is your car yellow?”

I squinted at him. “You know my car is red.”

“IS YOUR CAR YELLOW?”

More squinting. “No.”

Jordan stared longer this time before scribbling. “Hmmm, interesting,” he mumbled. Then back to me. “Is the sky green?”

“How many more of these are there?”

Jordan looked back at his notebook. There were a lot. “This can be the last one.”

“OK. No, Jordan. The sky is not green.”

Jordan stared at me. I stared at him with really wide open eyes so he could get a good look at my pupils. “Thank you,” Jordan said. “That will be all.” He then walked to the room phone and dialed “Jim.”

“Hi Jim,” Jordan said when the call went to voicemail. “Project Skylar Blue is underway. The interview with Test Subject #1 was a success. I will share the data with you shortly.”

As soon as Jordan hung up the phone, his line started blinking, signifying that he had a voicemail. I watched him pick the phone back up, dial into his voicemail, and listen to the message he had just left for himself.

I stared for a minute then walked out of the room. This was going to be a long semester.

LIFE LESSON #100

Watching psychopaths on TV is a lot more fun than living with one.