Deserae’s parents are wonderful people. They are energetic and happy and generous and loving.

They are not good passengers.

This is something that I’ve discovered over the past two months while driving with them to volleyball games. Since Deserae coaches and her sister plays, I’ve recently spent a lot of time driving all over Ohio with the Neros.

Each trip would start with the same question.

“So what’ll it be? Your car or ours?”

Yikes. Tough choice.

My Car

I don’t know what your goal in life is. Maybe you want to make a million dollars or become CEO or change the world. I want to break even on every car purchase I make.

When it’s time to get a new car, I generally work very hard to find the best deal on the cheapest vehicle money can buy. The idea is to drive the car for a few years, sell it for around the same price I paid for it, then buy another vehicle for that same price. The upside to this strategy is I’ve never made a monthly car payment. The downside is I’ve never driven a car that wasn’t garbage.

The Neros are not the biggest fans of my garbage cars.

A few weeks ago, I pulled into the Neros’ driveway to pick up my in-laws. Deserae’s mom came out of the house holding 50 pounds of junk.

“OK, I think we’re ready,” she said as she dumped it all in the back seat. “I brought duct tape and a flashlight. Al, do you want me to grab you a coat in case you have to help Dustin change a flat tire?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? It’s supposed to rain later.”

“I think Dustin can handle a flat tire just fine.”

“Also,” I interjected, “I think my car will be fine for an hour.”

Silence. I looked in the rearview to catch Deserae’s mom giving the “we’ll see” look. At the first intersection, I turned left onto Webster.

“Oh,” I heard from the backseat.

“What?”

“You’re not going to get on the highway from 82?”

“No.”

“Because if you went that way, you wouldn’t have to double back.”

“Yeah, but Sprague is a lot faster.”

Silence. The “we’ll see” look again.

“Wow!” Deserae’s dad piped up. “You sure do feel every crack in the pavement in this car! You feel that Jackie?”

“What?”

“I said, ‘How’s the suspension back there?’”

“YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP!”

My muffler has a small hole that makes things pretty loud for people in the back seat.

“I ASKED HOW…”

“WHAT?!!!”

“Never mind.”

Their Car

The next game, I rode with the Neros. Deserae’s dad was shaking his head as soon as I got in the car. “Hope you guys don’t plan on getting there any time soon,” he said.

“Why?”

“Why? Why?! Hohoooo, it’s smack dab in the middle of rush hour, that’s why!”

Deserae’s dad is a police officer who won’t get intimidated by anyone. At work, he will chase down guys twice his size and half his age by foot, no problem. But ask him to venture onto the freeway during rush hour? Big problem. Hopefully, our first child is not born any time between the hours of 7 a.m. and 7 p.m., or he will not be meeting his grandfather for quite a while.

Twenty minutes later we hit a slow down.

“What did I tell you? What did I tell you?!”

Five minutes later, traffic was back to normal.

“Well that’s surprising.”

Then, a crisis.

“I CAN’T FIND MY MAPQUEST!” Deserae’s mom yelled while driving.

“It’s OK, we can just use my phone,” I said.

“I NEED THE MAPQUEST!!”

Jackie Nero is the last person on earth keeping Mapquest in business. She not only prints directions for every trip, but she also prints the maps that go with the directions and occasionally tapes them together if the map is too big for one page. She doesn’t trust GPS.

“In one mile,” Siri said, “stay in the left-hand lane to merge onto…”

“I DON’T LIKE THIS!”

Fortunately, Siri knew where to go. After some trouble with a turning lane (“Hey Al, I just stay in this lane, right?” “No, this is the turning lane.” “I think I need to…” “The sign is right there!” “Okay, okay…” “LOOK WHEN YOU’RE SWITCHING LANES!!”), we arrived at our destination. Lake Erie.

“Why are we at the lake?” Deserae’s dad asked.

“It’s a tradition! I always stop to look at the lake before games at Mentor.”

“Well you can get out, I’m not.”

“Oh stop, I brought your coat.”

We all piled out of the car, walked across the park and looked at the lake. The gray lake blended perfectly with the gray sky.

“I don’t see any boats,” Deserae’s mom said.

“Maybe because it’s 40 degrees, windy and almost night.”

A moment of silence.

“Does anyone want to go down the stairs to get a little closer?”

“NO!!”

—

“So what’ll it be? Your car or ours?”

Maybe I’ll take a boat.

LIFE LESSON #91

Getting there is only sometimes half the fun.