Every human who’s ever lived has three basic instincts: sleep, eat and get famous. Unfortunately, while everyone has the opportunity to sleep and most can find enough to eat, very few people ever get the chance to become famous.
Two years ago on a cruise, Deserae saw an opportunity to fulfill one of life’s most basic needs. “Hey, do you want to go on the Love and Marriage Show?” she asked one night while we were getting ready for dinner.
The Love and Marriage Show is the unrivaled king of cruise ship entertainment. If you’re not familiar, it’s basically the Newlywed Game – a TV program popular in the 1960s where newly married couples answered embarrassing questions and said passive aggressive things about each other in front of a live studio audience. It was great fun.
“Uhhhhhh do you?”
Up to that point, if Deserae were given the choice between answering embarrassing, personal questions on stage or getting hit by a bus, I always assumed she’d take the bus. When Deserae gets embarrassed, her face turns the brightest shade of red you’ve ever seen. This makes her more embarrassed, which turns her face even redder, which makes her even more embarrassed, etc. etc., until her face bursts into flames.
“Why not!”
I squinted. That was a pretty good argument. Two nights later, we found ourselves in the audience of the Love and Marriage Show.
The host, a Latino woman who’d developed an uncanny ability to get crowds to “Wooo!” said, “Who is ready for the LOVE AND MARRIAGE SHOW!”
“WOOOOOO!!!!!”
“If you’ve been married less than two years and want to play, come on down!”
At that point, Deserae and I had technically been married two and a half years, but we’d been psyching ourselves up for this all day, and they didn’t ask for a marriage license, so we joined ten other couples across the front.
“The first few years of marriage are all about PASSION!” the host said. “So we’re going to give these couples ten seconds to show us how PASSIONATE they can be! Newlyweds, no one is watching (The host winked at the crowd. The crowd WOO’d), so you’ve got ten seconds for the most passionate kiss of your life! Best kiss comes on stage!”
There’s something you should know about me – given the choice between a gross public display of affection or getting hit by a bus, I’d take the bus. I was about to express this feeling to Deserae, when she whispered something in my ear.
“I’m going to jumonyu”
“Huh?”
“GO!” the host said.
Deserae launched herself at me. While she was in the air, I finally figured out that “jumonyu” was supposed to be “jump on you.” It was too late. Deserae landed on my chest, and I stumbled until my back hit the stage. I halfway recovered and held on for dear life as we did our very best to win this contest, because this was technically a contest and Deserae DOES NOT LOSE CONTESTS.
I won’t describe the ensuing kiss, but have you ever been to a wedding where everybody clinks glasses and the couple kisses, but then the kiss starts going uncomfortably long and the couple is like showing off and you start to feel a little sick? It was like that times ten.
We, of course, won the contest.
“Please welcome our winners, Mr. and Mrs. Brady!”
“WOOOOO!!!”
The Love and Marriage Show is a little different from the Newlywed Game in that, on cruise ships, the newlyweds compete against an old couple and a middle-age couple. Shortly after we got on stage, we were joined by the old couple. They were super cute. After that was the middle-age couple. They were, ummmmm, not super-cute. The husband, who had clearly been getting his money’s worth from the ship’s buffet, was wearing suspenders and showing off teeth that were four sizes too big for his mouth. He tripped walking up the stairs.
After some instruction, the men went into a room behind the stage while our wives answered embarrassing questions. We made small talk with a member of the entertainment staff for a bit (“What do you all do for a job?” “Editor.” “Retired.” “Insherunsh shales.”) before walking back out.
When I passed Deserae, she gave me the “we’ve made a huge mistake” look with her tomato face. Once I got settled into my seat, the host asked me what color underwear my wife was wearing. The questions went downhill from there.
I’m usually all about revealing embarrassing details on this blog, but – trust me – these are not embarrassing details that you want to hear. Also, as we were reminded many times that week, “What happens on the Navigator of the Seas stays on the Navigator of the Seas!”
“WOOOOOO!!!”
The host would ask me a question, I’d sweat and stammer my way to an answer, and the crowd would woo. Then she’d ask the same question to the middle-age guy, he’d give an incomprehensible hillbilly answer and everyone would crack up. Finally, there was the old guy, who’d have some perfect, cute old person thing to say, and the audience would awwwww. It was perfect entertainment. The Love and Marriage Show never fails.
After fifteen minutes of questions, our wives came back out, and the host revealed the answers we gave about each other. It was among the most mortifying twenty minutes of my life. Deserae’s face was radiating actual heat. The wet spots underneath my armpits were visible from the back row. We stared straight ahead with mouths agape.
Finally, FINALLY, after the last question we breathed a sigh of relief. The old couple had won. We could leave and never have to think about this nightma…
“Before you all leave, I have a surprise announcement.”
“WOOO!”
“This whole show has been taped, and we’ll be broadcasting it in the cabins throughout the rest of the cruise!”
Deserae’s face burst into flames.
Throughout the remainder of the cruise, people kept stopping and staring at us. Some would make comments.
“Blue underwear today?” Nope! But a very red face!
We did it. We were famous. Well, not quite famous, but definitely cruise ship famous.
The next day, we saw the old couple we played against. They were just as adorable in real life as they were on stage. They had a crowd around them and seemed to be handling their fame quite gracefully.
Later that night, we recognized the middle-aged couple. Or at least, we recognized the middle-aged wife. She was with someone who vaguely resembled the hillbilly husband, but this guy had an IQ above 70. No suspenders, no crazy teeth and no stupid way of talking.
Deserae and I looked at each other, looked back at the guy, and back at each other. Then we did some digging. Turns out, the whole thing was an act just so he could get on the show.
Unbelievable. Some people will do anything for a minute in the spotlight.
LIFE LESSON #101
Fame – even cruise ship fame – is not all it’s cracked up to be.