Before getting married, I’d been on a total of one flight. Because of this, I’d missed out on a lot of important life experiences. I’d never experienced the joy of riding a moving sidewalk, for example, or felt the triumph of packing a bag that weighs exactly 50 pounds. Most of all, though, my lack of flying kept me from knowing what true disappointment feels like.

Deserae and I got introduced to the complete, soul-crushing disappointment that only airlines can provide on our first big vacation after our honeymoon. We were young and excited and stupid and wayyyy too trusting of the airline industry. The cruise line tried to warn me when I booked the trip over the phone.

“You’re all set! Just make sure you arrive at the port three to four hours early to get through customs before the ship leaves, because they don’t wait for anyone.”

“No problem!”

“If you miss the ship, you’ll have to meet it at its first stop as long as you have a passport. You have a passport, right?”

“Nope!”

“We recommend getting a passport.”

“Well we’re flying into town the night before, so it should be OK, right?”

“…”

“Hello?”

“We recommend getting a passport.”

We did not get passports. We also did not use the airport 5 minutes from our house. We got Deserae’s parents to help us save $75 by shuttling us 45 minutes to Akron’s airport because, again, we were stupid. Continue reading →

I am married to someone who is better-looking than me, better-liked than me, better…actually, just an all-around better person than me. How could this happen? I would like to share, for the first time, my secret of seduction.

Trying to woo any woman can feel intimidating, let alone one who is clearly better than you in every possible way. If you’re not sure where to begin, start with this simple technique that I perfected. It may not work – actually it’d be a miracle if it did – but if you do this technique right, it won’t matter because your target will never even know that you’ve been pursuing her in the first place.

Are you ready for it? Here it is:

Maintain deniability.

When you ask someone on a date, you open yourself up to getting shot down. But what if you were able to ask someone out without ever having to admit that you’re on a date? Say goodbye to rejection!

Let me tell you how great I was at maintaining deniability. Our first “date,” I asked Deserae out to dinner, ate an entire meal with her and walked her to her car without her realizing that I had asked her out or that I even knew she existed. Pretty good, huh? Continue reading →

Deserae and I started selling on Amazon earlier this year, and it has been going so well that I was able to quit my job in June. When I tell people this they always say, “Whoa! So is it easy to get started?!” I’ve mostly managed to block those first few weeks from my memory, so I smile and give an enthusiastic “Yeah!”

But a few seconds later, I remember the first shipment we sent out, and I have to revise my statement a little. “Wait, never mind. No, it’s the worst thing in the world.” Continue reading →

One week a year for more than 25 years, Deserae’s family has traded their comfortable, suburban house for a tiny trailer with limited indoor plumbing next to a brown lake. This is not a ploy to teach their children how the “other side” lives or a stunt for a reality television show, but rather an actual vacation.

The trailer holds many joys (I am told), but one of the big draws is blackberry picking. Can’t quite afford that week at Disney, but still want to do something this summer the kids will forever cherish? Try blackberry picking at Clar-Mar Lake Campground! Every year, Deserae and I join the fam for a weekend, so I am kind of an expert on the art of blackberry picking. Here’s how it goes.

Deserae’s mom welcomes us to the campground by telling us how good the blackberry picking is this year. “It’s amaaaaaaaazing,” she says.

If this announcement is overheard by another member of the family who has actually seen the blackberries this week, it is immediately called into question.

“Mom, what are you talking about? They’re all red.”

“Shhhhhhhh, they’re fine!” When you get a chance to multiply your picking efforts by two whole workers, you do not let facts get in the way. Continue reading →

Last week, I shared one of my most embarrassing stories – my decision to blow hundreds of dollars on a product from China to sell on eBay based on a tip I received from a free e-book. This week: the consequences of that decision.

At the end of last week’s story, I finally decided that maybe doing some research before engaging in international trade would be a good idea. My research revealed that I was an idiot. I emailed my supplier to inform him that I would be cancelling my order, and he emailed back to inform me that, too bad, my order was already on the boat. It felt like that moment in a movie where the hero learns the villain has hidden a biological weapon on a ship headed to America and there’s nothing he can do about it.

I screamed from the office. Deserae came to check on me. When I told her what happened, she screamed too.

I immediately started searching for a company that could help get the greenhouses into the country without getting me arrested (a task that is trickier than you’d think if you hadn’t done any research). I settled on C.H. Robinson. Their main qualification was that they were three minutes from my house.

I gave them a call. “Hi, I have a product coming to me from China, and I did not realize that there were so many steps to getting it into the country. Can you help me?”

“No problem, we’ll just need to get some information from you. What’s your company name?”

“I don’t have one. I was just going to sell under my own name.”

“Hm. OK. Who did you designate as the receiving agent?”

“Um, I don’t think there is one.”

“What do you mean? There has to be a receiving agent.”

“I REALLY did not realize there were so many steps to getting it in the country.” Continue reading →

My career goal has always been to not have a career. Ever since I started my first job, I’ve always wanted to get to the point to where I would no longer have to work for someone. This goal has led to many unwise decisions, the unwisest of which was downloading a free e-book on May 23, 2013.

That day, I was scrolling through the free Kindle e-Books when I found one called Million Dollar eBay Business From Home. As someone with extreme interest in both a million dollars and working from home, I downloaded the book immediately.

The book began the way every book that has ever promised a million dollars begins – with a quote from Walt Disney. “All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” This was the best possible news — I had tremendous courage.

The author went on to explain why building a million dollar eBay business at home is so great (You’re making a million dollars. At home.) and shared his simple strategy for  making a million dollars (Find 56 products that each make $50 a day. Duh.)

How does one go about finding 56 different $50-a-day products? In chapter 3, the book explains that all one has to do is visit a site called Alibaba.com to find products from China that are already selling well on eBay.

After 20 minutes of reading, I was hooked. I had courage. I had access to Alibaba.com. Soon I would have my millions. Continue reading →

“No. NO. I do not believe you.”

My new girlfriend Deserae was shaking her head at me.

“It’s true.”

“Everyone has been to a parade.”

“Not me.”

“Well you’re coming on the 4^th of July with my family. It’s the best thing ever.”

I grinned and nodded like a fool, thus sealing my fate for the rest of my life.

If you’ve never been to a parade before, DO NOT GO. If you go, you risk it becoming a tradition, and there is no worse tradition than a parade.

I know because this past Saturday, Parma held its annual Independence Day parade, and, eight years after that first conversation, I was there in my place again. Because it’s a tradition. As a service to those who may one day have to lie about having been to a parade, I recorded the experience. Continue reading →

Maybe you, like me, have spent many afternoons fantasizing about quitting your job. You’ve pictured yourself walking into your boss’s office, closing the door to signal this is an “important meeting,” and telling him in no uncertain terms to stick it.

Guess what?

I did it (minus the “stick it” part).

Two weeks ago, I left my job.

You may be disappointed to learn that it does not feel as triumphant as you’re imagining. For me, at least, it felt more like that moment when you’re trying to decide if you should run to the bathroom or sit very still and hold in the barf. Continue reading →

The most stressful part of coming back to college every year is meeting your roommates. Best case scenario – you get a new groomsman. Worst case scenario…actually, there are infinity worst-case scenarios. Lice. Top-bunk toenail clipper. Kleptomaniac. Pyromaniac. Regular maniac.

To take a few bullets out of the Roommate Roulette chamber, many college students choose to room with people they already know. Sure, they may be lowering their chances of making a new BFF, but when it comes time to confront a vindictive shower urinater, you need all the allies you can get.

That’s why I decided to room with my brother Jesse my junior year of college. I was already pretty familiar with Jesse’s work as a roommate after sharing a room with him for 20 years. He had a few annoying habits like leaving his light on after falling asleep, but at least I knew he wouldn’t give me scabies. Continue reading →

I pride myself on my ability to stay calm through anything without getting flustered. When Deserae’s feeling especially feisty, she gets a lot of joy out of testing this ability through poking.

Literally. She will physically poke my belly while saying the words, “Poke…Poke…Poke.”

“Stop! What are you doing?”

“I’m poking you!” she will say with a giant smile on her face. “Are you getting annoyed yet?”

It takes much more than that to fluster me. A few pokes can’t compare to Calm Dustin’s kryptonite: Playoff Dad. Continue reading →