I listen to a lot of podcasts. Because of that, I’ve heard a few things way too many times. Commercials for Blue Apron and MeUndies, for example. Also NPR voice. Worst of all is the “Season One finale.”

In the season finale routine, a podcast that has produced an episode a week for months or years randomly ends an episode by informing listeners that they’ve actually been listening to “Season One” of the podcast this whole time, and this has been the Season One finale. Season Two will probably start sometime soon, but in the meantime, head over to Audible.com for 20 percent off!

It’s very annoying. Why do you all of the sudden have to pretend that this is Gilligan’s Island and the gang is about to be rescued, but hold on, is that actually a pirate ship? Find out when Gilligan’s Island returns next fall!

I’ve discovered that podcasts keep pulling the season finale charade because “season finale” sounds better than “we’re quitting because recording a new podcast every week is really hard, and nobody’s clicking on our Stamps.com link any more.” And you know what? I get it.

That’s why I’m announcing that this post is the Season One finale of The Life Lessonbook.

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If you’ve reached this post via Facebook, I’m so sorry. Over the past several months, Facebook has devolved from “look at this picture of my daughter dressed up as a ballerina” to “look at this picture of Donald Trump dressed up as a Nazi.” Things will keep getting worse until Nov. 8.

“This is the angriest election ever,” people are saying. “When did we get like this? Can our country survive this much bitterness?” To these people I would say, “You clearly have not witnessed local politics in action.”

As discussed in a previous post, I learned a lot about local politics by writing for the News Sun, a small weekly paper that existed mostly to carry garage sale ads. One of the things I learned is that “government by the people” sounds really good until you meet “the people.” Some of the angriest, nuttiest things I’ve ever witnessed have happened at a City Council meeting. And no meeting I witnessed was angrier and nuttier than the Olmsted Township Trustee meeting on Feb. 12, 2009.

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Recently, I’ve realized that almost all of the regrettable purchases I’ve made throughout my life are consequences of the following two truths:

1. I like food.
2. I am bad at making food.

Also, there’s truth #3: given the choice between the easy way to do something and the right way, I will pick the easy way every time.

These three truths put me squarely in the crosshairs of the kitchen gadget industry. Throughout the years, I have made a number of purchases that have likely landed me on marketing lists with names like “These Giant Suckers Will Buy Anything.” Continue reading →

I am married to an indecisive person. Actually, “indecisive” might be the wrong word, because “indecisive” implies that a decision will eventually get made. Maybe “non-decisive”? “Never-ever-decided”?

I am married to a never-ever-decided person. When we moved into our house, Deserae took one look at our yellow living room and said, “Blech. I hate yellow. We are painting this immediately.”

We did not paint it immediately. We did not paint it within a week or a month or a year. But after four years and five months of agonizing over 5,000 shades of gray, I am proud to announce that our living room is now beautiful “Lunar Surface” gray. It was a glorious moment of triumph that lasted for 13 seconds before Deserae said, “Now what do we do about the curtains?” Continue reading →

One thing that they don’t tell you before you get married is how important those first few months are. I mean they tell you that the first few months are important for learning how to love and setting the foundation for the rest of your life and blah blah blah, but what they don’t tell you is that this is your one shot at escaping laundry duty til death do you part.

When you get married, the first few weeks and months are all about setting precedent. Who’s going to wash the dishes? Where are you going for Thanksgiving? Will you eat at Chipotle every Sunday afternoon from now until the end of time? Some of these decisions are negotiations, some are peaceful divisions of labor and some are assigned to the person least likely to make life miserable for everybody.

I discovered by accident that this last area is where the opportunity comes. The day after we came back from our honeymoon, Deserae informed me that she was going to the grocery store.

“Cool!”

“I thought you could come with me to show me what you like.”

“OK!”

Deserae lit up. “This’ll be fun! It’s like a little shopping date we can do every week!”

“A what?” Continue reading →

As part of my job, I spend an inordinate amount of time at Walmart. Since Walmart is the worst place on earth, I thought it would be fun to check in every once in a while on the blog to share my experiences. You can read the first volume of Things I Saw at Walmart here.

The Parking Lot

The people of the Steelyard Walmart parking lot are furious, either because they’re the type of people who go to the Steelyard Walmart or (more likely) because they’ve just finished checking out at the Steelyard Walmart. Throughout my life, I’ve spent probably six minutes total walking to and from my car in this parking lot. Over that time, I’ve witnessed three ugly breakups, twice reached for my phone to call 911 and stood silently as the man next to me locked his girlfriend out of the car. Again, this has all taken place over the course of SIX MINUTES. If you walk into the Steelyard Walmart, you have no one to blame but yourself for whatever happens next. Continue reading →

Since we got our puppy a few months ago, he’s learned a few things. He’s learned, for example, that he can interrupt dinner by ringing his bathroom bell as soon as we’ve taken our first bite. He’s learned that the hamper is a treasure trove of dirty socks. He’s learned that nothing in life is more fun than grabbing hold of the toilet paper and sprinting away, thus unraveling the whole roll and making Deserae scream.

The discovery that I think he’s most proud of, however, is that Sundays don’t have to happen unless he allows them to.

Nugget hate, hate haaaaates Sundays. Sundays start like Saturdays, which he loves more than anything. When the clock ticks past 6 a.m. and nobody has left for work yet, you can see the wheels in his furry little brain start turning. Wait, Saturday? A second Saturday?! Can it be?!! Oh wow, OK this is a pleasant surprise! Let’s see, I’ll have to move some things around in my schedule, but we should be able to spend a few hours playing, then we can snuggle and then go for a nice long walk and…wait. Why are you dressing fancy?

At some point every Sunday morning, you can see it click. Nugget figures out that this is not Saturday. This is Sunday, which means he will spend much of the day in his pen while we are at church and Chipotle and my parents’ house having what he must assume to be a super adventure without him. At this point, he puts his ears back and makes the saddest sad puppy face you’ve ever seen.

Once he realizes the sad puppy face won’t make us stay, he kicks off Operation: Sunday. In Operation: Sunday, Nugget uses his size and speed advantages to elude capture for as long as possible and make us embarrassingly late for church. Continue reading →

Every human who’s ever lived has three basic instincts: sleep, eat and get famous. Unfortunately, while everyone has the opportunity to sleep and most can find enough to eat, very few people ever get the chance to become famous.

Two years ago on a cruise, Deserae saw an opportunity to fulfill one of life’s most basic needs. “Hey, do you want to go on the Love and Marriage Show?” she asked one night while we were getting ready for dinner.

The Love and Marriage Show is the unrivaled king of cruise ship entertainment. If you’re not familiar, it’s basically the Newlywed Game – a TV program popular in the 1960s where newly married couples answered embarrassing questions and said passive aggressive things about each other in front of a live studio audience. It was great fun.

“Uhhhhhh do you?”

Up to that point, if Deserae were given the choice between answering embarrassing, personal questions on stage or getting hit by a bus, I always assumed she’d take the bus. When Deserae gets embarrassed, her face turns the brightest shade of red you’ve ever seen. This makes her more embarrassed, which turns her face even redder, which makes her even more embarrassed, etc. etc., until her face bursts into flames.

“Why not!”

I squinted. That was a pretty good argument. Two nights later, we found ourselves in the audience of the Love and Marriage Show. Continue reading →

 For many travelers, the most stressful part of a vacation is packing for said vacation. If that’s you, don’t worry – Deserae and I have gone on a bajillion vacations, and we have packing down to a sweet science. Follow our proven packing formula to start your vacation off on the right foot.

1. Put off packing until the Last. Possible. Second.

This first step is our number one secret to packing success. If you screw this up, you’ll throw everything else off. If your flight leaves at 5 a.m., you’d better not start packing until 10 p.m. the night before.

2. Put off packing some more.

When 10 o’clock rolls around DO NOT START PACKING. That would be a rookie mistake. Instead, look through the last month’s to-do list and start working on the least urgent thing. I like to shred credit card offers. Ideally, you will also have access to a basketball game you can put on “in the background” that will slow the process even more. Only once you’ve exhausted all other possible options is it appropriate to move onto step 3.

3. Set out every piece of clothing you own.

All of it. Snow pants. Bathing suits. Halloween costumes. It’s easier to sort through everything when it’s on the bed instead of in your brain. Got it? Good! Now

4. Stuff all of it into your suitcase.

Honestly, I was a little skeptical of this step at first. How many sweatshirts does one need for a weekend in the Bahamas? But I quickly discovered that Deserae is a fierce sweatshirt protector, and you never know what you’ll need and also that’s why suitcases are expandable. Also, by now it’s 11 p.m., and would you really rather spend 45 minutes arguing about packing the spare snorkel when you could be spending that time sleeping? So just keep your mouth closed, expand the suitcase and start stuffing. Continue reading →