One thing that they don’t tell you before you get married is how important those first few months are. I mean they tell you that the first few months are important for learning how to love and setting the foundation for the rest of your life and blah blah blah, but what they don’t tell you is that this is your one shot at escaping laundry duty til death do you part.

When you get married, the first few weeks and months are all about setting precedent. Who’s going to wash the dishes? Where are you going for Thanksgiving? Will you eat at Chipotle every Sunday afternoon from now until the end of time? Some of these decisions are negotiations, some are peaceful divisions of labor and some are assigned to the person least likely to make life miserable for everybody.

I discovered by accident that this last area is where the opportunity comes. The day after we came back from our honeymoon, Deserae informed me that she was going to the grocery store.

“Cool!”

“I thought you could come with me to show me what you like.”

“OK!”

Deserae lit up. “This’ll be fun! It’s like a little shopping date we can do every week!”

“A what?”

Marc’s Grocery Store and Pharmacy is a fine establishment with exceptional prices, but it would not be my first choice for a weekly date. I went anyways, and within minutes my suspicions were confirmed. The grocery store is not fun.

“What kind of chips do you like?”

“Doritos.”

“Regular or ranch?”

“Regular.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“What about the cheesier ones?”

“The regular kind always says ‘Nacho Cheesier.’”

“No, this one. XTreme Cheese.”

“Regular is fine.”

“Hm,” Deserae said holding both of the bags. “I kind of want to try the XTreme Cheese.”

“OK, then go for it.”

“But you like regular.”

“I don’t have that strong of an opinion.”

“Well I want to get something that you like.”

Sighhhhhhh. “OK that one.”

“Are you su…”

“YES!”

“OK, on to pretzels.”

After this had gone on for a while, I decided that if Marc’s was going to be a regular thing, I needed to find some fun quick. Fortunately, I found it in the back corner of the store.

“Deserae! Deserae! Did you know they have a giant cage with live parrots?!”

“Yes.”

“They’re huge! Are they for sale?”

“No.”

“Who keeps parrots in a grocery store?! Hey, did you know you can make them squawk if you…”

“Please don’t make them squawk.”

The parrots re-energized me. Maybe I’d underestimated this store’s potential as a date destination.

“Hey!” I called to Deserae while she was examining bananas a minute later. Deserae looked back to see me standing on the giant scale that Marc’s inexplicably has in the middle of the store.

“See how much we weigh together!”

“Get off that,” Deserae hissed.

I hopped off, ran to the cart, held on and jumped. Deserae grabbed me as I glided past her.

“Are we five years old now?”

“Can I get popcorn?”

Deserae sighed. “Yes. Please.”

I came back a few minutes later. “The snack bar only takes cash. Do you have any money?”

Deserae dug around in her purse and handed me a dollar.

“I was thinking a slushie too.”

Deserae glared.

“They have that Coke slushie you like. Do you want one?”

“No.”

I rejoined Deserae a few minutes later, and we finished our shopping trip — her trying to ask me questions about cereal and me slurping and chomping and dropping popcorn all over the store.

When we finally made it back to the car, Deserae turned to me. “We are NEVER doing that again.”

I nodded. “OK.”

I can’t say that I was upset.

—

A few weeks later, Deserae walked into the living room with iron in hand.

“I think our iron is messed up.”

“Why?”

“It keeps getting this black stuff all over it.”

I turned around to see our iron covered with melted lace.

“Hon! You have to turn the heat way down when you iron that stuff!”

“Oh. Sorry, I never really iron.”

We scraped off the melted junk as best we could and continued using the iron for another week until Deserae came to me again.

“Don’t be mad, but I dropped the iron and it melted the carpet and the carpet’s not coming off.”

“YOU ARE NEVER TOUCHING THE IRON AGAIN!”

Deserae nodded. “OK.”

I can’t say that she looked upset.

LIFE LESSON #106

If you come across a “never again” opportunity, take it. You might never see one again.