As part of my job, I spend an inordinate amount of time at Walmart. Since Walmart is the worst place on earth, I thought it would be fun to check in every once in a while on the blog to share my experiences. You can read the first volume of Things I Saw at Walmart here.

The Parking Lot

The people of the Steelyard Walmart parking lot are furious, either because they’re the type of people who go to the Steelyard Walmart or (more likely) because they’ve just finished checking out at the Steelyard Walmart. Throughout my life, I’ve spent probably six minutes total walking to and from my car in this parking lot. Over that time, I’ve witnessed three ugly breakups, twice reached for my phone to call 911 and stood silently as the man next to me locked his girlfriend out of the car. Again, this has all taken place over the course of SIX MINUTES. If you walk into the Steelyard Walmart, you have no one to blame but yourself for whatever happens next.

The Whob

The Brooklyn Walmart parking lot is not much better than the Steelyard one. I was recently loading up my trunk there when I heard from behind me an “Excuuuuuse me.”

I turned around to see a middle-aged woman wearing the type of sweatpants that have words written across the butt. She was trying to get my attention by using a voice pitched somewhere between a whine and a sob. A whob if you will.

“Excuse me,” she whobbed, “I’m out of gas and my son is in the back seat and I just need enough to get home and if you let me borrow $20 I’ll pay you back and…”

I gave her a look that said, “Yes, I know about this scheme, but I will give you a few bucks anyways,” while handing her a five.

“Oh thank you thank yoooooou,” she said. Then she looked down, saw what I’d handed her, and said the most shameless thing I’ve ever heard.

“Can you do $15? It’s really far.”

I stared at her. “How far?”

“Chardon.”

Chardon is far. I gave her the $15.

I did not think I could feel like more of a sucker than I did the moment I handed her the money. I was wrong. Exactly one week later in the Ridge Park Square parking lot, I was locking my car when I heard a familiar whob.

“Excuuuuuuuuuuse me.”

I turned around.

“This is so embarrassing, but my car ran out of gas, and I have to drop my sister off at work and…

“I gave you money last week.”

To her credit, the woman did not skip a beat, show an ounce of shame or even stop asking for money.

“I don’t rememberrrrrr.”

Well, you might be thinking, you’ve got her dead to rights! I cannot wait to hear what clever thing you said or did next! Did you flip the tables on her? Did you drag her to Ridge Park Square security? Did you demand your $15 back?

With the same quick thinking that led to me giving her the money initially, I replied with the best comeback I could muster.

“Oh.”

Yes Ma’am

In the days before Christmas, the toy section of Walmart looks like those stores that got looted after Hurricane Katrina. The shelves are nearly empty, the toys that are left look like they’ve been beaten with baseball bats and the employees are long gone.

Deserae and I were making our way through these aisles last year when we heard the phone ring. The only thing less likely than finding the toy you want the week before Christmas is a Walmart employee picking up a phone to help you find it. But that did not stop the caller from ringing the toy department again and again and again and again and…finally I picked up the phone.

“Brooklyn Walmart, how may I help you?”

“Yes,” a desperate male voice replied. “My daughter wants a, uhhhhh, Barbie House?” .

“The Barbie Dream House?”

“Yes ma’am.”

Ma’am! Hoohoo, you might be thinking, I cannot wait to hear what clever thing you said or did next!

“Let me look that up for you.”

“Thank you so much ma’am!”

Deserae walked over to find me poring over the Walmart website on my phone. “What are you doing? We’ve got to go!”

I shushed her and went back to my customer. “OK sir, sorry about that.”

“No problem ma’am.”

“Unfortunately, it looks like there aren’t any within miles of here, but it does look like there might be one at the Avon Target.”

“Oh wow thank you!”

“No problem!”

“You’re a real sweetheart!”

How Much Do You Pay for Cable?

As you probably already know, despite turning 30 last month, I look like I’m still in high school. This doesn’t usually work to my advantage, but one place where I’m thankful for my boyish good looks is Walmart. Specifically, the back of Walmart near Electronics.

You see, in the back of Walmart near Electronics, a twenty-two-year-old guy puts his marketing degrees to good use by trying to get people to switch to DirecTV as obnoxiously as possible.

“Excuse me sir! How much do you pay for cable!”

“You look like you pay too much for TV!”

“Hi ma’am, can I ask you a question? Ma’am! MA’AM!”

No one is safe from the barrage. No one, that is, except for the sixteen-year-old-looking kid pushing a cart filled to the brim with Pooh-Dough.

LIFE LESSON #105

Walmart. Save money. Live much, much worse.