Some Guy on the Internet Wants Me to Die Under a 770 lb. Weight

Crushed by Weights

Recently, the company I work for (STACK.com, Where Athletes Get Better©®™) partnered with Yahoo. It’s very exciting news that means everything we write gets exposed to a new crowd of horrible, horrible people.

Obviously, the vast majority of people who use Yahoo aren’t horrible. I enjoy Yahoo a lot, as do many of the non-horrible people I know. The company itself is great. The horrible people I am referring to, of course, are the commenters.

It’s not Yahoo’s fault. The anonymous Internet commenters of the world flock to places like Yahoo and YouTube where they can critique free entertainment from the safety of a username that combines their passion with their high school graduation year (Hanshotfirst98).

You know Steve, that guy at your work who seems vaguely racist but doesn’t really talk that much? You can find out just how racist Steve actually is by learning his favorite 70s rock band and graduation year, then checking out the comments on a Cleveland.com article about a basketball player in trouble with the law. Continue reading →

Why Florida Is the Best

Florida FridaySnakebiteToday, we’re excited to unveil a new weekly-to-semi-weekly series called, “Florida Friday,” wherein we check in on the craziest people in the United States.

As an Ohioan, I love Florida. I spent four years of my life there during college. The state has some of the best beaches, warmest winters and friendliest lizards in the country.

It also has the world’s highest concentration of crazy people.

You may or may not have noticed that 90% of news stories involving people doing things like sprinkling their deceased loved one’s ashes all over Lenscrafters or marrying a Ferris wheel happen in Florida. This is not a coincidence. I can assure you from personal experience that nearly everyone who lives in Florida is completely insane.

As a result, the state is America’s biggest exporter of life lessons. This week, we’re learning from a man who got bit by a venomous snake while trying to get a closer look at an alligator. Continue reading →

Two! Tickets! For Wicked!

Wicked

Wicked, the musical event of the century, came to Cleveland around Christmastime last year. If you are unfamiliar, the play is about the two witches from The Wizard of Oz becoming friends and having adventures and arguing and singing and it is quite a production.

Unfortunately, a decent ticket to Wicked costs roughly as many dollars as a month in Europe. Which is a bummer because my wife, Deserae, and I enjoy going to plays.*

*I should clarify that we actually would not enjoy most plays. For example, as I write this, the local theater is showing Yentl, a play about a girl who decides to cut her hair and dress as a male so she can live in secret and study the Talmud after her rabbi father dies. I feel comfortable assuming this not a play I would enjoy. Upcoming productions that we might also not enjoy include Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet, Tyler Perry’s Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned and Menopause: The Musical. Continue reading →

The World’s Most Dangerous Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

I had a bad peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch today. The bread was kind of old, there wasn’t nearly enough jelly and the only peanut butter we currently have in the house is the gritty reduced-fat kind.

It could have been worse.

This afternoon, I came across the following headline from the Park Ridge Herald-Advocate: Peanut Butter and Jelly Blamed for One-Car Park Ridge Crash.

The story truly is fantastic. Here’s the first sentence: “A man was so engrossed in eating his peanut butter and jelly sandwich that he drove his car into a utility pole, Park Ridge (IL) police say.” Isn’t that great? Continue reading →

How to Be a Man

How to Be a Man

A hot water tank doesn’t seem to be something that should break that often. It’s got one job: hold hot water.

As I’ve recently learned, however, hot water tanks are a lot like bulldogs. You’re happy if they last 12 years, although you may have to deal with some leaking toward the end.

Last week, my hot water tank started leaking. A lot. Which is the type of thing that happens when I start feeling a little manly. Continue reading →

I Should Have Been in Captain America 2

I Should Have Been in Captain America 2

Captain America 2: Winter Soldier comes out this week. I can’t wait to finally watch the movie to see Captain America, Bucky the Winter Soldier, Samuel L. and the jerk who stole my part. 

Last summer, Captain America 2 filmed in Cleveland, which was very exciting except for the fact that it closed every single downtown street for three solid months. (But we’re Cleveland and people are paying attention to us, so we’re good! Please don’t leave!) Continue reading →

The Worst First Day

The Worst First Day

My first day of college was worse than yours.

That’s not some sort of weird brag or the line I use to introduce myself to new people, but it is almost definitely true. I only know of one other guy who had a worse first day of college than mine, and his was a DISASTER. Most people’s first day of school isn’t a disaster. The worst it gets is a little awkward or crying-in-the-bed-in-the-dark homesick, but not a disaster.

Mine was 100% a disaster.

Like most college freshmen, I came to school with several concerns. Did I choose the right major? Would I find true love? What if my roommate was one of those people who are way into Lord of the Rings or Japanese anime or leaving fingernail clippings around the room? Continue reading →

Blueprints for the Batcave

Blueprints for the Batcave

Plans for the World’s Greatest Underground Fort began in second grade.

It started as a simple hole in the woods by my house, but over the years, it grew to become bigger than the Batcave. Planned features included a secret entrance, retina scan (I considered fingerprints, but what if someone tried to chop off a thumb just to get inside?!) booby traps, batting cages, robot laboratories and slides. Continue reading →

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