For many travelers, the most stressful part of a vacation is packing for said vacation. If that’s you, don’t worry – Deserae and I have gone on a bajillion vacations, and we have packing down to a sweet science. Follow our proven packing formula to start your vacation off on the right foot.

1. Put off packing until the Last. Possible. Second.

This first step is our number one secret to packing success. If you screw this up, you’ll throw everything else off. If your flight leaves at 5 a.m., you’d better not start packing until 10 p.m. the night before.

2. Put off packing some more.

When 10 o’clock rolls around DO NOT START PACKING. That would be a rookie mistake. Instead, look through the last month’s to-do list and start working on the least urgent thing. I like to shred credit card offers. Ideally, you will also have access to a basketball game you can put on “in the background” that will slow the process even more. Only once you’ve exhausted all other possible options is it appropriate to move onto step 3.

3. Set out every piece of clothing you own.

All of it. Snow pants. Bathing suits. Halloween costumes. It’s easier to sort through everything when it’s on the bed instead of in your brain. Got it? Good! Now

4. Stuff all of it into your suitcase.

Honestly, I was a little skeptical of this step at first. How many sweatshirts does one need for a weekend in the Bahamas? But I quickly discovered that Deserae is a fierce sweatshirt protector, and you never know what you’ll need and also that’s why suitcases are expandable. Also, by now it’s 11 p.m., and would you really rather spend 45 minutes arguing about packing the spare snorkel when you could be spending that time sleeping? So just keep your mouth closed, expand the suitcase and start stuffing.

5. Weigh the suitcase.

You don’t want to pay airline overage fees, right? Weigh yourself, then pick up the suitcase and weigh yourself again. Your spouse will need to get down on her hands and knees to read the weight to you. From the ground, she will report that the suitcase is 20 pounds too heavy. Consider opening the suitcase and dropping the 20 pounds of extra shoes onto your spouse’s head.

6. Bring another suitcase.

You both could just sort through all those shoes and make rational choices about which to leave at home, but unfortunately it is now well past your bedtime and you are incapable of rational thought. Just bring another suitcase. This will make both of you happy, because it will allow you to sleep sometime this week and your spouse to bring her entire collection of pool floats.

7. Start looking for your passport.

This one takes some planning, so you may not be able to incorporate it into your routine this trip, but you can definitely set things up for next time. When you return from your next trip, simply stash your passport somewhere you’ll never find it. Congratulations! You’ve just set yourself up for a late-night, high-stakes scavenger hunt!

8. Pray.

After searching for a half hour, you’ll discover that the only way you’re leaving the country is through divine intervention. After making a lot of hard-to-keep promises to God, you’ll finally find your passport. Wasn’t that fun?! Now it’s time to find the GoPro cable.

9. Lie down for a nap.

By now, you are moving at the speed of cold molasses. You’ll convince yourself that the only way things are going to get better is if you sleep for 10 minutes. Unfortunately, the bed is full of suitcases. The solution, of course, is to lie down in the hallway and ask your spouse to wake you in 10 minutes. “That is not something people do in real life,” you may be thinking. I can assure you that it is, because I have done it. “That is not something that my spouse will be OK with,” you may also be thinking. I can assure you that it is, because this 10-minute interlude will give her an opportunity to sneak more pajama pants into her suitcase.

10. Wake up to find that everything is ready.

While you were sleeping in the hallway, your spouse has single-handedly packed your entire house into two suitcases. You are now ready to apologize and go to bed.

11. Wake up five minutes later.

Your alarm is set for 3 a.m. because you booked the earliest possible flight to save the equivalent of $20 in airline points. After staring at your spouse for a moment with bloodshot eyes, you will get out of bed and immediately stub your toe on a suitcase.

If you follow these 11 steps, you’ll ensure that no matter what happens throughout the rest of your trip – mugging, hurricane, kidnapping – it’ll all feel like the greatest vacation of your life compared to the trial you just endured at home. Enjoy the trip!

LIFE LESSON #103

If you want things to look up, sometimes you’ve first got to dig yourself into a little hole.