It is now Wednesday, and people are still upset that a tax evader and woman beater stole $100 from them by dancing in a ring for 12 rounds last Saturday. If you got burned by the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight this weekend, I’d like to make things up to you a little bit by sharing the story of the only time I’ve been punched in the face.

It may surprise you to learn that I did not get into fights growing up. There are two main reasons for this:

• While other kids were learning sweet fight moves from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, I was learning about The Hunchback of Notre Dame from a Jack Russell Terrier named Wishbone.
• I have the physique of a walking stick.

These two things kept me safe from scuffles all the way into junior high. Then the Perfect Snowball happened. Continue reading →

Once in a lifetime—twice if you’re lucky—you get to witness a miracle. Maybe it’s not fire from heaven or bodies rising from the dead, but you never forget how special that moment feels.

I got my miracle right after I graduated from high school. I had just walked out of Applebee’s, where I was eating delicious half-price wings and worrying about my desperate summer job situation. As I unlocked my car, I noticed something white tucked under my windshield wiper. It was a note from my guardian angel.

“Need a summer job? $12-$20/hour! Flexible schedule! Call today!”

It was the most beautiful miracle I had ever seen.

The next morning, I called the number and learned that the company was doing group interviews that very afternoon! The receptionist didn’t tell me much except the name of the company: Vector Marketing. It sounded futuristic. Maybe they were with NASA?

That afternoon, I showed up to Vector Marketing in my ill-fitting suit. The office turned out to be not super futuristic, since it was in the basement of a sad, gray office building and the door was propped open by a paint can. Continue reading →

I don’t know what goes through your mind at weddings. Maybe you’re critiquing the dresses or trying to guess the menu or betting how long the marriage will last. When I go to weddings I’ve got only one thing on my mind: don’t screw this up.

This fear was drilled deep inside me as a child two different ways. The first was my dad turning around every time our van pulled into the parking lot for a wedding or funeral to warn us kids that if we fooled around and ruined this for everyone, we would get The Spanking of a Lifetime when we got home. The other, of course, was America’s Funniest Home Videos. Continue reading →

“WE ARE GOING TO BED EARLY TONIGHT!”

It is 5:30 a.m. The alarm has just gone off and an angry, poofy-haired Deserae is standing over my side of the bed. I nod.

“Like 9 o’clock!”

I nod.

“I’M SERIOUS!”

I nod. It’s not going to happen.

When Deserae yells, “WE ARE GOING TO BED EARLY” every morning, I’ve come to realize that she’s not yelling at me at all. She’s actually trying to yell into the future to Nighttime Deserae. Unfortunately, Nighttime Deserae can’t hear her, because she’s too busy talking and giggling and partying and trying to figure out new ways to stay awake. Continue reading →

After a week and a half boredom followed by anger followed by boredom followed by anger, I am finally done with jury duty (you can read about my jury duty first impressions here!). I know some people have a hard time making it through these longer blog posts, so I’m going to put my most important piece of advice up top: if you ever find yourself involved with a jury – whether it be jury duty or (heaven help you) trial by jury – save yourself by any means possible, up to and including sawing off a limb.

Last week, I learned that a jury of one’s peers is a fun idea until you see it in action. Then it is a terrifying idea.

In America, we’ve set an incredibly low bar for being a juror. Are you a person? Perfect, you’re almost there! Are you capable of signing a piece of paper that says, “Sure, I’d like the option of voting in an upcoming election”? Congratulations! You’re now obligated to decide incredibly complex matters of life and death. Your guide through this process will be two weasely lawyers who have mastered the art of tricking you. Continue reading →

I wrote this a few years ago, but since this week marks 20 years since I first fell in love, I thought it would be a good time to put it on the blog. Enjoy!

1995 was the year I fell in love. I was nine.

It wasn’t like that third grade crush I had on Hannah Gnizak, and it for sure wasn’t that weird knees-shaking-stomach-turning-to-jelly thing that people always talk about. It was more like always being happy. And not just any happiness, but the happiness you get when you look outside and see everything covered by a foot of snow, and then find out school is closed. Baseball made me that happy.

It didn’t happen all at once, but, by the end of the summer, I was watching almost every Cleveland Indians game. I say “almost” because West Coast games started at 10 o’clock, and I listened to those in my bed. I’d turn on the radio and try to stay awake while Herb Score would lull me to sleep with his play-by-play. An hour later, Tom Hamilton would jolt me awake with his home run calls. “Awayyy back…GONE!!!” I spent the summer with those two. Herb Score was my grandpa while Tom Hamilton was my little brother who forgot to take his Ritalin. Continue reading →

I apologize in advance for this post being short, but I am currently very busy living a lifelong dream. As one person put it in the introductory video I had to watch Monday morning, I am engaged in “the highest call of duty an American citizen can answer after military service.”

I am on jury duty.

I have never understood why people hate getting jury duty. You get paid time off of work – which everybody seems to enjoy – to be part of an episode of Judge Judy or Law and Order – which are two of the longest-running TV shows of all time for a reason. PLUS they pay you! Twenty dollars a day! Which, after parking and lunch, leaves you approximately $7 to do WHATEVER YOU WANT! It is like getting paid to be part of the greatest reality show ever.

Continue reading →

When you’re in 9^th grade, you’re afraid of a lot of things: voice crackage, pretty girls, body odor at inopportune times, etc. But as a freshman in high school, one thing terrified me above all others.

Wedgies.

I joined my high school’s soccer team because I liked the idea of sports. My talent ensured that I would never see the field, but my age allowed me to participate in one very special tradition.

The initiation ceremonies always occurred while returning from away games. Somewhere around Medina, Ohio, one lucky freshman would hear his name chanted from the back of the bus. If the freshman did not immediately get up and report to the seniors, he would be in Big Trouble and should probably never enter a locker room again for the rest of his life.

Once he reached the back of the bus, the freshman would get mobbed by upper classmen who would start yanking his underwear. In the front of the bus, the rest of the freshman would silently face forward, listening to the cheering, the screaming and finally the rrrrrrrrRRRRRRRIP of a waistband being torn free from a pair of tighty whiteys.

The newly welcomed member of the team would stumble back to his seat holding his waistband like the world’s saddest trophy, while his classmates would start praying that the coaches would recover from their unexplained temporary deafness, notice the Welcome Wedgies and stop the tradition before their turn came.

Nobody stopped the wedgies. Continue reading →

Deserae and I have different feelings about Chipotle that are summed up by the following quotes:

“Chipotle is a pretty good fast casual restaurant that does not make me feel horrible when I eat it.” – Dustin Brady. March 11, 2015

“Wouldn’t it be amazing if I quit my job and started working at Chipotle?” – Deserae Brady. Multiple occasions

Deserae’s dream is to eat a steak taco bowl every meal for the rest of her life. She gets irrationally angry any time someone suggests that Moe’s Southwest Grill is better than Chipotle. One time I took her to Chipotle on Valentine’s Day, and she said it was the most romantic thing I’d ever done.

Of course, I had no idea what I was starting when I first suggested that we pick up Chipotle one Sunday afternoon a few years ago. We made it through the overwhelming assembly line (“I’ll have the brown salsa.” “You mean the green salsa?” “I mean that…” “DON’T REACH OVER THE GLASS!”) and sat down.

“It’s pretty good,” I said after a few bites.

“It’s really good!”

“Yeah, I like the way they…”

Deserae’s eyes got wide. “This is really, REALLY good!”

I don’t know if this is true because I’ve never seen it occur, but I imagine her reaction was not unlike someone who’s just tried cocaine for the first time. Continue reading →

One of the best parts of becoming an adult is the moment you realize that you are now capable of getting that thing you always wanted as a kid. Dirt bike? In-ground pool? Tree house with a giant TV? It’s all good! YOU HAVE A CREDIT CARD NOW!

One of the worst parts of becoming an adult, however, is the following moment. That’s when you realize that as an adult, it’s no longer acceptable to spend money on dumb junk. You can usually push through this realization while you’re still single, but if you’re married? Good luck.

Since we’ve been married, Deserae has shot down almost all of my childhood dreams. I usually test the waters by bringing them up like they’re a big joke. So we’ll be sitting on the couch, and I’ll say something like, “Hey I had a funny idea! Can you imagine if we bought a trampoline and put it next to our sun porch? We could open our bedroom window and jump off of the sun porch roof onto the trampoline every morning! Wouldn’t that be hilarious?!”

Then she glares at me as if to say, “I know you’re saying this as a joke, but this is not the first time you’ve brought up the trampoline. I want to assure you that I will have to be dead before you spend a single cent on a freaking trampoline.” Then I nod and a small part of me dies.

Although this routine has repeated itself many times over the years, I was once able to sneak one past the guards. This is the story of the life and death of a childhood dream deep fryer. Continue reading →