Deserae and I recently had a houseguest stay for 10 nights. We love having people stay at our house because we’ve got plenty of room, but this guest was a little unusual. Instead of spending his time hanging out and catching up with us, this particular guest decided to devote all of his energy to a bitter, week-long war with my wife.

I am, of course, talking about my parents’ beagle Buzzy.

Because I work at home now, Deserae and I told my parents we could watch their dog while they went away on vacation. Deserae was excited to have a pet in the home, but she had only one rule.

“No jumping on the bed,” she told Buzzy when he arrived at our house.

“Blah blah blah BED,” Buzzy heard.

From that moment forward, Buzzy wanted one thing and only one – to sleep on our bed. Here’s what happened.

Are you ready to rumble?

Continue reading →

Hurricanes are not as much fun as I thought they would be.

That is a real thought I had the day after a hurricane hit campus my freshman year of college. I had this thought while lying on my bed in 100 degrees and 100 percent humidity with no AC, no fans and the windows sealed shut. I lay motionless, not so much because there wasn’t anything to do (there wasn’t), but because my skin was stuck to the vinyl mattress. I had no sheets because they’d touched things no sheets should have to touch during the hurricane, I had no shirt because, again, it was 100 degrees, and I had no way to get rid of the sweat because the showers didn’t work.

My door opened. It was my cousin Tim. He looked just as gross as I felt.

“Do you want to go to Aunt Mamie…?”

“YES,” I said, already grabbing my laundry.

Our Aunt Mamie Lee lives six hours away from Pensacola in Marietta, Georgia. We packed everything into Tim’s car and took off. This was the first time I’d been off campus since the hurricane, so I didn’t realize how bad the damage was outside of my little bubble until that moment. Trees lay across roofs. Streets were still flooded. National Guard trucks going one way passed National Guard trucks going the other way. Gas stations were boarded up.

This last part turned out to be kind of a big deal. Tim’s car was at a quarter tank when we took off (He probably would have filled it up the day before the hurricane, but did you see the lines at the gas stations? No thank you.) Continue reading →

You may recall that I started this blog last year with a story about my first day of college when I threw up in front of a table full of girls. Now, let me share a story from my second week of college when an 800-pound air conditioner almost fell on my head.

The week I arrived at college in Pensacola, Florida, there was scuttlebutt about a hurricane in the Caribbean. And by “scuttlebutt,” I mean my mom calling me every day.

“You’ve heard about the hurricane?”

“Yes. Yesterday. From you.”

“Grandma says it’s supposed to be bad.”

“I think it’ll be fine.”

“She said you could go to Aunt Mamie Lee’s.”

“It’ll be fine.”

“At least buy batteries!”

“I don’t even think I have anything that uses batteries.”

“Don’t be stubborn. Buy the batteries.”

Throughout the week, people got more and more panicky about the potential hurricane. “Maybe we should buy batteries!” they started saying. The school, in turn, got more and more panicky about too many people getting panicky.

“Everything’s fine!” they would say. “This happens all the time! Look, this weather map doesn’t show the hurricane landing anywhere near here. Knowing hurricanes, it’ll probably go into the Atlantic and hit Canada instead! Hahaha! It’s a good thing you go to school in Florida and not Canada! Hahaha!” Continue reading →

Deserae and I get away to Chicago every year for Labor Day weekend to celebrate our anniversary, and every year we have a fantastic time because we do not visit the Sears Tower.*

*I know it’s the Willis Tower now, but I’m going to keep calling it the Sears Tower because it’s the Sears Tower.

I’ve never had anything against the Sears Tower, but I’ve already flown in an airplane, you know? I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what a city looks like from high up.

Anyways, it was 95 degrees in Chicago this past weekend, and if there’s one activity that Deserae has made quite clear that she does not enjoy, it is a full day of walking and sweating in the sun. So I bought a City Pass that gave us VIP admission to four air-conditioned museums and the Sears Tower during our trip.

If you’re thinking about buying a City Pass for your next trip to Chicago, allow me to review the activities:

Museum of Science and Industry: Fun
Adler Planetarium: Fun
Shedd Aquarium: Fun
Field Museum of Natural History: They have a T-Rex skeleton
Sears Tower: Nightmare Continue reading →

I feel like I can relate to Joseph’s brothers.

Joseph in the Bible was the perfect child. He knew it. His parents knew it. His brothers knew it. I can imagine the scene one morning where Joseph’s dad had just finished chewing out all the other brothers for leaving the door open all night, when Joseph comes whistling down the stairs to breakfast.

“Hey brothers.”

Silence.

“Oh I have to tell you about the craziest dream I had last night! So we’re in this field, and we each have sheaves of wheat, and…are you guys cold? It’s really cold in here. Did someone leave the door open again? Hang on.”

Silence. Joseph walks into the next room. The brothers hear, “Dad, did someone leave the door open all night?” Joseph returns bundled in his coat of many colors.

“Mmmmmm cozy. Anyways, all of your sheaves bow down to my sheaf! Crazy huh?! I wonder what it means!”

So you can understand why they would throw him into a pit. Was selling him into slavery a bit much? Well…maybe. But we all get carried away sometimes and Joseph seemed to do pretty well for himself after that, so all’s well that ends well.

Anyways, I feel like I can relate, because I have a Joseph in my own life.

Scott Joseph Brady. Continue reading →

We’ve spent plenty of time on this blog establishing how bad I am at sports. I’ve got a few small issues holding me back– I have the muscle mass of a fifth grader, for example, and my level of coordination suggests an inner ear issue – but I’ve spent my life expecting to turn the corner any day now because I’ve know I’ve got something that sets me apart from everyone else.

I am stubborn. The most stubborn.

This stubbornness has mostly worked against me throughout my life – like when I would choose World War III over eating a single lima bean as a child or refuse to make a Number Two the whole week of junior camp because I did not like the looks of the toilet – but I’ve always been convinced that my refusal to give up would bring success on the sports field where coaches keep saying words like “heart” and “hustle.”

I put this belief to the test in high school as a freshman soccer player during my greatest act of stubbornness when I ran for an hour on a broken leg.

It is important for you to understand a few things about this moment of heroism. It did not come during the playoffs. It did not come during a game when my team needed me most. It was practice. Also, just to be clear, my team absolutely did not need me. It actually kind of needed me to quit so they would have enough uniforms for everyone.

At the time, I didn’t realize that the only way I’d see playing time is if they changed the rules of soccer to allow 50 players on the field at the same time. By the end of August, I had deluded myself into thinking that I was juuuuust about to break out. All I had to do was show the coaches I had heart by finishing the Australian Mile. Continue reading →

Before getting married, I’d been on a total of one flight. Because of this, I’d missed out on a lot of important life experiences. I’d never experienced the joy of riding a moving sidewalk, for example, or felt the triumph of packing a bag that weighs exactly 50 pounds. Most of all, though, my lack of flying kept me from knowing what true disappointment feels like.

Deserae and I got introduced to the complete, soul-crushing disappointment that only airlines can provide on our first big vacation after our honeymoon. We were young and excited and stupid and wayyyy too trusting of the airline industry. The cruise line tried to warn me when I booked the trip over the phone.

“You’re all set! Just make sure you arrive at the port three to four hours early to get through customs before the ship leaves, because they don’t wait for anyone.”

“No problem!”

“If you miss the ship, you’ll have to meet it at its first stop as long as you have a passport. You have a passport, right?”

“Nope!”

“We recommend getting a passport.”

“Well we’re flying into town the night before, so it should be OK, right?”

“…”

“Hello?”

“We recommend getting a passport.”

We did not get passports. We also did not use the airport 5 minutes from our house. We got Deserae’s parents to help us save $75 by shuttling us 45 minutes to Akron’s airport because, again, we were stupid. Continue reading →

I am married to someone who is better-looking than me, better-liked than me, better…actually, just an all-around better person than me. How could this happen? I would like to share, for the first time, my secret of seduction.

Trying to woo any woman can feel intimidating, let alone one who is clearly better than you in every possible way. If you’re not sure where to begin, start with this simple technique that I perfected. It may not work – actually it’d be a miracle if it did – but if you do this technique right, it won’t matter because your target will never even know that you’ve been pursuing her in the first place.

Are you ready for it? Here it is:

Maintain deniability.

When you ask someone on a date, you open yourself up to getting shot down. But what if you were able to ask someone out without ever having to admit that you’re on a date? Say goodbye to rejection!

Let me tell you how great I was at maintaining deniability. Our first “date,” I asked Deserae out to dinner, ate an entire meal with her and walked her to her car without her realizing that I had asked her out or that I even knew she existed. Pretty good, huh? Continue reading →

Deserae and I started selling on Amazon earlier this year, and it has been going so well that I was able to quit my job in June. When I tell people this they always say, “Whoa! So is it easy to get started?!” I’ve mostly managed to block those first few weeks from my memory, so I smile and give an enthusiastic “Yeah!”

But a few seconds later, I remember the first shipment we sent out, and I have to revise my statement a little. “Wait, never mind. No, it’s the worst thing in the world.” Continue reading →

One week a year for more than 25 years, Deserae’s family has traded their comfortable, suburban house for a tiny trailer with limited indoor plumbing next to a brown lake. This is not a ploy to teach their children how the “other side” lives or a stunt for a reality television show, but rather an actual vacation.

The trailer holds many joys (I am told), but one of the big draws is blackberry picking. Can’t quite afford that week at Disney, but still want to do something this summer the kids will forever cherish? Try blackberry picking at Clar-Mar Lake Campground! Every year, Deserae and I join the fam for a weekend, so I am kind of an expert on the art of blackberry picking. Here’s how it goes.

Deserae’s mom welcomes us to the campground by telling us how good the blackberry picking is this year. “It’s amaaaaaaaazing,” she says.

If this announcement is overheard by another member of the family who has actually seen the blackberries this week, it is immediately called into question.

“Mom, what are you talking about? They’re all red.”

“Shhhhhhhh, they’re fine!” When you get a chance to multiply your picking efforts by two whole workers, you do not let facts get in the way. Continue reading →