One thing that they don’t tell you before you get married is how important those first few months are. I mean they tell you that the first few months are important for learning how to love and setting the foundation for the rest of your life and blah blah blah, but what they don’t tell you is that this is your one shot at escaping laundry duty til death do you part.

When you get married, the first few weeks and months are all about setting precedent. Who’s going to wash the dishes? Where are you going for Thanksgiving? Will you eat at Chipotle every Sunday afternoon from now until the end of time? Some of these decisions are negotiations, some are peaceful divisions of labor and some are assigned to the person least likely to make life miserable for everybody.

I discovered by accident that this last area is where the opportunity comes. The day after we came back from our honeymoon, Deserae informed me that she was going to the grocery store.

“Cool!”

“I thought you could come with me to show me what you like.”

“OK!”

Deserae lit up. “This’ll be fun! It’s like a little shopping date we can do every week!”

“A what?” Continue reading →

As part of my job, I spend an inordinate amount of time at Walmart. Since Walmart is the worst place on earth, I thought it would be fun to check in every once in a while on the blog to share my experiences. You can read the first volume of Things I Saw at Walmart here.

The Parking Lot

The people of the Steelyard Walmart parking lot are furious, either because they’re the type of people who go to the Steelyard Walmart or (more likely) because they’ve just finished checking out at the Steelyard Walmart. Throughout my life, I’ve spent probably six minutes total walking to and from my car in this parking lot. Over that time, I’ve witnessed three ugly breakups, twice reached for my phone to call 911 and stood silently as the man next to me locked his girlfriend out of the car. Again, this has all taken place over the course of SIX MINUTES. If you walk into the Steelyard Walmart, you have no one to blame but yourself for whatever happens next. Continue reading →

Since we got our puppy a few months ago, he’s learned a few things. He’s learned, for example, that he can interrupt dinner by ringing his bathroom bell as soon as we’ve taken our first bite. He’s learned that the hamper is a treasure trove of dirty socks. He’s learned that nothing in life is more fun than grabbing hold of the toilet paper and sprinting away, thus unraveling the whole roll and making Deserae scream.

The discovery that I think he’s most proud of, however, is that Sundays don’t have to happen unless he allows them to.

Nugget hate, hate haaaaates Sundays. Sundays start like Saturdays, which he loves more than anything. When the clock ticks past 6 a.m. and nobody has left for work yet, you can see the wheels in his furry little brain start turning. Wait, Saturday? A second Saturday?! Can it be?!! Oh wow, OK this is a pleasant surprise! Let’s see, I’ll have to move some things around in my schedule, but we should be able to spend a few hours playing, then we can snuggle and then go for a nice long walk and…wait. Why are you dressing fancy?

At some point every Sunday morning, you can see it click. Nugget figures out that this is not Saturday. This is Sunday, which means he will spend much of the day in his pen while we are at church and Chipotle and my parents’ house having what he must assume to be a super adventure without him. At this point, he puts his ears back and makes the saddest sad puppy face you’ve ever seen.

Once he realizes the sad puppy face won’t make us stay, he kicks off Operation: Sunday. In Operation: Sunday, Nugget uses his size and speed advantages to elude capture for as long as possible and make us embarrassingly late for church. Continue reading →

Every human who’s ever lived has three basic instincts: sleep, eat and get famous. Unfortunately, while everyone has the opportunity to sleep and most can find enough to eat, very few people ever get the chance to become famous.

Two years ago on a cruise, Deserae saw an opportunity to fulfill one of life’s most basic needs. “Hey, do you want to go on the Love and Marriage Show?” she asked one night while we were getting ready for dinner.

The Love and Marriage Show is the unrivaled king of cruise ship entertainment. If you’re not familiar, it’s basically the Newlywed Game – a TV program popular in the 1960s where newly married couples answered embarrassing questions and said passive aggressive things about each other in front of a live studio audience. It was great fun.

“Uhhhhhh do you?”

Up to that point, if Deserae were given the choice between answering embarrassing, personal questions on stage or getting hit by a bus, I always assumed she’d take the bus. When Deserae gets embarrassed, her face turns the brightest shade of red you’ve ever seen. This makes her more embarrassed, which turns her face even redder, which makes her even more embarrassed, etc. etc., until her face bursts into flames.

“Why not!”

I squinted. That was a pretty good argument. Two nights later, we found ourselves in the audience of the Love and Marriage Show. Continue reading →

 For many travelers, the most stressful part of a vacation is packing for said vacation. If that’s you, don’t worry – Deserae and I have gone on a bajillion vacations, and we have packing down to a sweet science. Follow our proven packing formula to start your vacation off on the right foot.

1. Put off packing until the Last. Possible. Second.

This first step is our number one secret to packing success. If you screw this up, you’ll throw everything else off. If your flight leaves at 5 a.m., you’d better not start packing until 10 p.m. the night before.

2. Put off packing some more.

When 10 o’clock rolls around DO NOT START PACKING. That would be a rookie mistake. Instead, look through the last month’s to-do list and start working on the least urgent thing. I like to shred credit card offers. Ideally, you will also have access to a basketball game you can put on “in the background” that will slow the process even more. Only once you’ve exhausted all other possible options is it appropriate to move onto step 3.

3. Set out every piece of clothing you own.

All of it. Snow pants. Bathing suits. Halloween costumes. It’s easier to sort through everything when it’s on the bed instead of in your brain. Got it? Good! Now

4. Stuff all of it into your suitcase.

Honestly, I was a little skeptical of this step at first. How many sweatshirts does one need for a weekend in the Bahamas? But I quickly discovered that Deserae is a fierce sweatshirt protector, and you never know what you’ll need and also that’s why suitcases are expandable. Also, by now it’s 11 p.m., and would you really rather spend 45 minutes arguing about packing the spare snorkel when you could be spending that time sleeping? So just keep your mouth closed, expand the suitcase and start stuffing. Continue reading →

Deserae and I just finished a seven-day cruise with her family. I very much enjoyed the vacation and had a great time with the Neros.

However.

There were several times when the group’s desires did not exactly align with my own. One time, for example, everyone thought it would be great fun to jump in an outdoor hot tub despite 52-degree temperatures and 30 mph winds.

“What do you think, Dustin? Just for like 15 minutes?”

“I think I’d rather spend 15 minutes strapped to the front of the boat.”

“OK, see you in the hot tub!”

Another one of these moments came in Cozumel. We had a wonderful day in Cozumel. We celebrated Deserae’s birthday at a beautiful beach under a stunning blue sky and ate a delicious Mexican meal. But none of it, apparently, counted unless we could walk away with a souvenir.

Well, you say, that sounds easy. There are thousands of cheap souvenirs for sale at the cruise ship terminal! Just pick up a magnet on the way to the ship! You clearly do not know my wife’s family. For the Neros, “cheap” will not do as long as there is the possibility of “free.” And there is no better free souvenir than the passport stamp.

Until last week, I was unaware that it is possible to get a stamp on your passport if you’re not entering via the airport. But it is! Almost every port has a little guy in a little closet of an office who will stamp your passport if you ask nicely. For free! A FREE STAMP!

So the end of our day in Cozumel turned into a scavenger hunt for the little guy in the little office with the little stamp. Continue reading →

Every human who’s ever lived has three basic instincts: sleep, eat and get famous. Unfortunately, while everyone has the opportunity to sleep and most can find enough to eat, very few people ever get the chance to become famous.

Two years ago on a cruise, Deserae saw an opportunity to fulfill one of life’s most basic needs. “Hey, do you want to go on the Love and Marriage Show?” she asked one night while we were getting ready for dinner.

The Love and Marriage Show is the unrivaled king of cruise ship entertainment. If you’re not familiar, it’s basically the Newlywed Game – a TV program popular in the 1960s where newly married couples answered embarrassing questions and said passive aggressive things about each other in front of a live studio audience. It was great fun.

“Uhhhhhh do you?”

Up to that point, if Deserae were given the choice between answering embarrassing, personal questions on stage or getting hit by a bus, I always assumed she’d take the bus. When Deserae gets embarrassed, her face turns the brightest shade of red you’ve ever seen. This makes her more embarrassed, which turns her face even redder, which makes her even more embarrassed, etc. etc., until her face bursts into flames.

“Why not!”

I squinted. That was a pretty good argument. Two nights later, we found ourselves in the audience of the Love and Marriage Show. Continue reading →

I’m a sucker for stories with surprise endings. Your movie is at eight percent on Rotten Tomatoes? People compare it to a grease dumpster fire? But what’s that you say – at the end you find out that the whole time the bad guy has been…WAIT, WAIT DON’T TELL ME! I’m in for the next two hours!

Unfortunately, I’ve learned that twist endings are not as great in real life as they are in the movies.

My sophomore year of college, I lived with a mild-mannered roommate named Jordan. Jordan was so mild-mannered that if someone were to replace him with a reasonably lifelike mannequin, it might have taken a few days to notice. If my life were a movie, Jordan would be the perfect candidate for a last-minute twist.

Jordan’s one defining characteristic was that he was in a band in high school. He’d remind us of this fact every few days.

“We were pretty good,” he’d say while picking at his guitar in bed.

When nobody would look up, he’d continue.

“We did the Nebraska State Fair last year.”

Silence.

Twang twang twang twang

Zero times that semester did anyone show even a shred of interest in Jordan’s band. That did not stop him from filling us in on every detail.

He shared the band’s name (Skylar Blue).

“Cool.”

He shared the reason for the name (A 10-minute story about a kid named Skylar dying of cancer).

“Cool.”

He shared every song his band had recorded. (Heavenly, Faye and Til Death Do Us Part).

“Cool.”

Every story about Jordan’s band was long and filled with colorful detail. No one cared. No one cared, that is, until the day of The Twist. Continue reading →

The thing I miss least about working in downtown Cleveland is leaving downtown Cleveland. Every day at 5:30, every person in the city crowds onto the same street at the same time to leave Cleveland. As a result, no one gets to leave Cleveland.

Over the years, I learned how to leave Cleveland fast by cutting down alleys and through parking lots and in front of people. I got good. I got cocky. Then on June 3, 2015, I got stuck.

On June 3, I pulled out of my parking garage onto Prospect Ave. and stopped. No matter who I tried to sneak in front of or what parking lot I tried to cut through, I couldn’t get any closer to the freeway. A half hour later, as a last ditch effort to get home before dying of natural causes, I tried to cut down the alley next to the graveyard. That’s when I ran into the cause of my problem.

A quarter-mile of these trucks had parked in the alley.

I could get out of Cleveland just fine on Indians and Cavs game days. But on June 3, someone bigger than LeBron James came to Cleveland. Taylor Swift had taken over my city.

I don’t know much about Taylor Swift. She seems kind of like a nice robot. But on that day, surrounded by minivans full of bedazzled 10-year-old fans, I realized that there was no more powerful robot in the world than Taylor Swift, Inc.

That day reminded me of my one previous encounter with Ms. Swift. It was five years ago, and it was captured on video. I watched it the other day while procrastinating and was struck by how much the two of us have changed over the past five years – Taylor into a sleeker robot with an armada of semi trucks, and me into someone who is mortified by my actions in the video.

On Dec. 7, 2010, Taylor Swift sat down with the Today Show to promote her tour. On the same date, Deserae and I visited New York City to wave in the background of a Today Show interview. We all accomplished our goals that day. Continue reading →

When Deserae and I went to Maui for our honeymoon, my goal was not to relax by the pool or enjoy the ocean breeze or have a romantic time with my new bride. No, I would not rest until we SAW EVERYTHING. That’s how we ended up on a three-hour hike after a full day of driving and sweating on the Road to Hana.

If you’re unfamiliar with the Road to Hana, it is 64 miles of blind turns and one-lane bridges through Maui ’s rainforest. If you make it to the end without dying or divorcing, you win a prize. The road’s best feature is its waterfalls. Because Deserae loves waterfalls (we got engaged next to one), I planned a route that would let us see all 2 billion of them. After eight hours, we’d seen all the waterfalls except one – the 400-foot Waimoka Falls at the end of the Pipiwai Trail. I’d kept this one a secret because I was romantic and dumb.

“I think you’ll like this hike!” I said as we pulled into the parking lot.

Deserae looked skeptical. “Is it long?”

“That’s not important.”

“It’s kind of important.” Continue reading →